Not Good

My friend Eva sent me this link about a concert no-no.

While it made me smile, this got me thinking about other things that are not good.

• My current life. OB nights is really killing me.
• It is not good to be anxious every time it's about to start your shift and really worry about going in and whether you're going to survive. Getting through nights is really all about survival. As soon as it nears 5 a.m. and I start to see the residents from their actual teams trickle in, I start to feel way more calm... I really feel depressed and hopeless. Maybe it's because I'm tired, but this is not normal nor good.
• It's not good to not urinate-- I realized that, on the past two nights on, I only went to the bathroom once in each 14-hour shift. Mainly, it's because you're too darn busy to even drink to have the urge. I know I'm dehydrated. Much like for post-op patients (which I get called on, especially last night), oliguria is bad.
• It is not good to cry on call. I burst into tears at one point on Monday night because I was too overwhelmed with everything. I was trying to take care of people in triage (my main job), but then people were delivering left and right (I am supposed to do as many as I can-- I think there were like 8 dels night-- and really like that, esp. being in there to help push, except that you just don't have the time and usually get there just in time for the baby to come out, knowing not much about the pt), I had to do delivery notes and postpartum paperwork, there were post-op checks to do and labs to follow up on from gyn onc patients/day surgeries, and then I was fielding calls from the gyn-onc patients' nurses since the gyn-onc team doesn't take overnight call. Postpartum patients had issues with tachycardia, cellulitis, and more... I have to, after midnight, create "the list" to decide who gets rounded on by whom when the day team comes on, and this is supposed to be up and posted by 5 a.m., except that people started delivering and my chief had to help me out, which I felt awful about... Kyla has also been bailing me out left and right, despite also having things she has to take care of, like ER visits and managing the laboring patients. I just don't know how to juggle it all. No service I have ever rotated on as a med student was this crazy. Nothing I have ever done has been more challenging for me, honestly. I'm not as cool and collected as the other residents (I think I am "high strung" in general :)) and really wonder if I ever will be. I'm not sure I was made for this.
• It's not good to work this much. I've been going in at 6 p.m. and leaving around 8 a.m., for five days straight, and then have an added Friday a.m. FP clinic to look forward to. Doesn't that violate something?! I know that 80-hour-work-week thing is averaged over a month's time, but I think this is what the schedule for the whole month will be like (and I have a 24 hour Saturday call mixed in there to, which will add hours). I'm on track to do 80 in five days' time.
• Working so much is also terrible because it makes me waste food! I'm just not even home enough to eat it, and so far this week, I've had to throw out: moldy tortillas, old yogurt, cottage cheese that didn't get finished, withering corn on the cob, and even hummus. This is really a travesty in my book and sign that something serious is wrong.
• I find that the "10 hours off" between shifts is not enough for any semblance of a personal life-- mainly I just sleep. I do have to clean my inbox and call back patients, do discharge summaries, etc. It is not good to not talk to anyone in your 10 hours off... I usually just go home, sleep, putter, and then go back to work. I'm totally lacking in social contact. In the short-term, that is okay, but that is just not going to be sustainable for me! I can't fathom doing errands or grocery shopping or really much of anything, although I forced myself to go for a run today (which ended up being more like a walk because I was too tired and hot). I can't even imagine what it must be like to have to support or spend time with a family. I'm just hanging on by a thread on my own.

Okay, that's enough whining from me right now in one post. It's time to shower and go back to work.