Just Tragic

Kelvin and I got out for a (rare) date night last night and the kids stayed home with one of their school teachers as a babysitter (thank you, Cila!).  We are trying, this new year, to be intentional about getting out (just the two of us), even though it takes a lot of advance-planning and coordinating, and there's always some degree of working-parent guilt involved.

I planned to just write a blog post about the feelings that were stirred in me after watching our date-night movie "Just Mercy," a film (in the social-justice-drama vein, my preferred movie genre) after the same memoir by the same name in which author (, lawyer, and producer) Bryan Stevenson details the heroic but gut-wrenching work he does with the Equal Justice Initiative to defend (and successfully exonerate many) wrongfully convicted prisoners (mostly people of color in Alabama, like Walter McMillian who is at the center of the story) on death row.  (Anthony Ray Hinton is another inmate that Bryan represented who was exonerated and released after three decades in prison, and his memoir The Sun Does Shine was one of my top reads of 2019).  (Kelvin asked me, "is this going to be just us and an audience of crying white ladies like at "The Help?" which I dragged him to and during which I was definitely sobbing while we were newly dating! "Probably," I responded.)

It is shocking and tragic how terrible our country's criminal justice system is (particularly in the South and with regards to people of color, whose rights are grossly violated), where we have traded the sins of slavery and public lynching for random traffic stops and fatal shootings of people of color for "driving while black," as well as mass incarceration and (in some states) capital punishment with an error rate up to 10%. It is heartbreaking and infuriating to hear of all of the lives destroyed (and extinguished) without evidence or justice.  With MLK day just passed and Black History Month approaching, we are trying to find ways to expose our kids in an age-appropriate way how to recognize and (with hope) eschew racism and other oppressive systems in this country at the same time that we can barely stomach the news to stay informed. Nevertheless, as Stevenson states, "Hopelessness is the enemy of justice," so we will just try not to lose hope.

Then, late this morning, we heard the devastating news that Kobe Bryant, the legendary Lakers basketball player, was killed (along with his 13-year-old daughter Gianna and several other passengers) in a helicopter crash outside Los Angeles at age 41. While not at the hands of white police, it very well could have been had his life taken a different path. We are still reeling from the shock, which has hit me harder than has any other "celebrity" death I can remember. Kobe, who entered the NBA as a young, 18-year-old high school grad (from the school, Lower Merion, which my college roommate, Cathleen, also attended), spent his whole 20-year career and won five NBA championships with the team, and was one of the all-time greatest scorers in NBA history.  While I've never been a huge Lakers fan and Kobe was certainly flawed (he was credibly accused of sexual assault), I recognize that he (who, three years older than I am is really my contemporary) was more than just a basketball legend-- he was an author, an Oscar winner, someone who touched people across the country and world, including other athletes (many in the tennis world, in particular) and a sports hero who inspired a generation of young people to strive for greatness (and who undoubtedly had much more to contribute). I can't imagine what his wife Vanessa and surviving (three) daughters (one a mere six months old), as well as the families of the other victims, will need to endure over the coming months, years, and lifetime without their rock(s).  For Kobe: basketball games today included 24-second shot-clock and 8-second back-court violations by players in his honor and memory (for his two jersey numbers), and many carried  "Mamba" tributes on their shoes and tears in their eyes.

Why do such terrible things happen in this world?  How do you move on from tragedy? 

Hope.

Pray.

Love.

And as Bryan Stevenson writes, "Each of us is more than the worst thing we've ever done."  Life is short. Be the best and do the most good you can while you're on this earth. Have Mercy. While flawed, we all have something to give.

Toddler expressions (and will)

Twenty-three-month-old Niall, who is a fairly easygoing child/toddler (very easy in comparison to his older brother!!), has definitely been becoming more expressive and opinionated lately.

He's historically been very compliant with his monthly-with-blocks photo shoots (and with saying "Cheese!" for photos), but last week was a challenge!

(there was lots of block-throwing)

... climbing...

...non-smiling..

(the best we could get, before the blocks were again chucked to the floor)

We even tried to coerce compliance/modeling by photographing big brother, Iver, who is wearing a not-that-unusual outfit of just underwear and nitrile gloves (for playing "surgery").

 

Niall will also make different expressions on command and we caught many of them on camera. 

"Happy face"

 

"Angry face"

"Crying face"

"Surprised face"

"Sleepy face"

"'I don't know' face"

"Worried face"

I have no idea about this one

He was showing a lot of readiness to use the potty (particularly for #2), but seems to have regressed in that department and demonstrating some willful defiance, refusing to sit on the potty and asking for for a "new, clean diaper" right after a messy diaper change.

In any case,  has one more month of being ONE! 

 

 Wish us luck with the "terrible" twos!

Wise Words

Fitting words, particularly in these times but always. Here's to celebrating a great American hero.

Cringe-wear

I'm not sure who gave us this shirt but today was the first time Iver wore it. The grammarian in me is having a really hard time with the horrendous misuse of the apostrophe(s) and I'm thinking this shirt has GOT to go!

A musical ear

Niall loves songs and seems to have some strong musical preferences-- he'll shout out musical requests in the car for his favorites, including "Knock" (It's a Hard-Knock Life) and "Tomorrow" from Annie and will sing along to the lyrics. I've caught him bouncing and singing "No more monkeys jumping on the crib(/bed)!"  Iver's been listening to a lot of the "Descendants" soundtrack and Niall literally interrupted a recent nursing session to say to me "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the baddest of them all?!".  I busted out laughing!


He can independently sing most of "Baa Baa Black Sheep," "Twinkle Twinkle,"   and "Itsy Bitsy Spider" (and got about half of "Jingle Bells" out over the holidays).

There's a catchy YouTube song (to the Twinkle tune) that we used to sing with Iver and that Kelvin will bust out during diaper changes to entertain our squirmy guy. Niall (despite not having screen time) picked it up quickly and sang it back, below-- it's pretty cute!

Super Guys

Eddie sent the boys these matching superman tees and they (always happy to dress alike) proudly wore them this (very rainy) weekend.

 

"Put YOUR Superman Man shirt on, Papa!"

 

Volcano activity from Little Passports (subscription science box that my parents gifted to Iver).

 I will be SUPER happy to see some sunshine soon!

Resolutions 2020: LESS

So many people consciously make New Year's Resolutions every year. I am not one of those people; however, it seems like a great time to put out there that I would like to make my personal THEME of 2020 (and even the next decade) to be..... LESS.

It definitely has much do with the state of our planet.  A friend posted on Facebook these great graphics from National Geographic UK., and they (as well as the devastating photos and stories of the raging Australian wildfires) are an important reminder of how fragile our planet is right now. I've become pretty good at shunning almost all single-use plastics from my life, including traveling with stainless steel cutlery sets, drinking plain tap water, and trying to buy lotion/shampoo/conditioner bars or toiletries in bulk, and I will try to be even better about encouraging all of those around me to do the same and to use and trash less (I will become an anti-waste evangelist, if you will).

I am also working on having our family waste less food (while I'm a big food rescuer, not all individuals in my household feel the same way about the plight of leftovers). We tend to do once-a-week grocery shopping on Saturdays, but I'm finding that sometimes too-far-in-advance planning sometimes leads to changed plans and thus ensuing waste which causes me a lot of guilt. We may start to do smaller/more frequent trips to the store, and buy things when they are more urgently needed. I'm trying to make smaller batches of dinners so that there are fewer leftovers (even though I hate cooking any more times than I absolutely have to) and (although I love variety) I am really trying to make only those meals that four our out of four people will likely happily eat.

While not (yet) a vegetarian or vegan, I am also consciously eating less meat (I think I could do fine without beef, personally), and trying to (for mostly environmental, but also health) reasons trying to embrace a more plant-based diet.


I am really trying to keep our lives simple and just have less. Despite not wanting family/friends to go overboard, the solstice birthday/Christmas influx of toys and gifts was overwhelming for both my kids and us, and it's made us really think hard about what we want to keep out and around here and what we prioritize. Too many toy choices leads to indecision and poor attention spans, as well as less in-depth play, and I try to keep only a small proportion of toys accessible at any given time (rotating things into the closet, etc.). I've even (gasp) withheld or put away gifts to be brought out months later on a rainy day, or even given some away for Toys for Tots or other toy drives (and hope that I can convince my kids to be on board, knowingly, with these efforts in the future rather than having to do it sneakily).  I/we really value gifts of experiences, and I vow to be better about being the giver (and not only the recipients) of gifts like these in the true spirit of not promoting consumerism and the acquisition/production of more stuff to clutter our homes and planet.

Upon returning from our East Coast trip, I have been in a big New Year's cleaning mood and am eager to PURGE many of our old baby/kids' and household items, finding new homes for things that we used and have loved well but which no longer spark joy. De-cluttering now (and not waiting for spring or later) à la Marie Kondo feels so freeing, and it is a great New Year's tradition to maintain (but discarding non-essential things should be a year-round activity). I'd much prefer to have fewer, high-quality toys, clothes, books, etc., instead of a larger quantity of things to clutter our mental and physical spaces. In addition to clearing out things that we don't really need, I've also tried to be much more mindful about things I purchase (making myself really ruminate prior to buying something I could possibly do really well without). I am making a point to, when items are truly needed, buy things used, or get things from local vendors/smaller businesses (rather than buying from big corporations or requiring shipping packaging). I am definitely prioritizing owning higher quality and longer-lasting items even if they're more expensive in the short-term.  In terms of just quantities of stuff, I plan to keep and obtain much less.

I also want to strive to do less in 2020 and lead a more simple life. I am an active, task-oriented doer, and am very guilty of being a super multi-tasker in the spirit of productivity. I'm making a point to slow down and try to smell the roses a bit more (check out this great WP article which captures the essence of my frantic feeling!). Rather than being stressed about my to-do list, I will try to fully embrace watching my children play and discover the world around them and to slow down to play more with them. I am starting to be able to let some things go (learning the skill of semi-procrastination, which is against my nature!) and to not have to feel the pressure to get so many things done right away (fewer things are truly urgent than I once thought). I will be better about saying "no" to people and events that bring more stress than joy. I desire to travel less, and want to spend more time in the area of home and the beautiful tree- and nature-filled area in which we live. I want to spend less time on social media and with the distraction of the smart phone and more time diving deep into good books or other high quality entertainment and connecting in person (or via conversations rather than via text) with those whom I love.

 Less can be more (rewarding). Bring on subtraction 2020!

Conversations with kiddos

Niall is very chatty for a 22-month-old. He speaks many multi-word sentences and understands so much that we're able to have whole conversations with him!

Today, this is what went on between us:
Niall: What's that?
Me: My coffee.
Niall: Black coffee?
Me: Well, coffee with cream.
Niall: Amber black coffee!
Me: Oh, you mean your teacher Amber drinks black coffee?
Niall: YEAH!
Me: Really??
Niall: Really!


Last week, Iver told us that he was going to be the best Dad in the world (maybe thinking that we're somewhat strict).

Kelvin and me: How do you mean?
Iver: I'm going to let my kids watch YouTube all day long!  (we let him watch a few minutes on weekends when one of us is showering, provided he stayed in bed until 6 a.m. that day).
I asked him what he was going to do when his kid doesn't listen or, for instance, starts hitting him.
Iver: I would just let him or her hit me! Because I'm going to be the best Dad in the world!

Top 10 reads of 2019

I meant to get this post out before 2019 ended, but this is how life goes these days (balls, not just the one in Times Square, have been dropped everywhere!).

Despite the chaotic pace of our life and how little "free" time I feel I have, I do manage to read two or three books per month (usually on request from our local library). I tend to favor fiction (particularly historical fiction) and books with a social justice element, but I will read just about anything if it comes recommended by someone who knows me and my style (or President Obama, who puts out book recommendations periodically and who has great taste!).

 

If you are a parent (but even if you're not), I highly recommend you read Laurie Frankel's This is How it Always is, which is the fictionalized story (but based on the author's child's life) of a young child named Claude who knows he's actually a girl and who desires to live his life as "Poppy". If you have ever wondered if you could love and support your child the same if he/she/they was little bit different, you will have your heart broken and your eyes opened by reading this incredible story.

The Nickel Boys is Colson Whitehead's heartbreaking and haunting story of Elwood Curtis, a young black man in Jim Crow Florida who is sent to a "reform" school based on being in the wrong place at the wrong time while being black. The school in the book is based on the real Dozier school in Florida, at which dozens of unmarked graves were discovered in the last decade (strangely and horrifyingly).

The Gentleman in Amor Towles' story is Count Alexander Rostov, who, due to his political statements, is put on house arrest at a luxury Moscow hotel. His relationships with the staff, guests, diplomats, and his role in the decades of Russian history that happen outside its doors will stay with you long after this beautifully written and sweeping novel ends.

 
By empowering women, we can and will change the world.  Melinda Gates believes it, speaks it, writes it, and puts her money where her mouth is.  Every woman (and every man, too-- we need allies!) should read and be inspired by this book.

I didn't think I could admire Michelle or Barack Obama any more than I already did, but Becoming, Michelle's memoir, will make you love them--their family values, their down-to-earth and real relationship, and their vision for our country and world-- even more.

 

Anthony Ray Hinton's memoir The Sun Does Shine tells the incredibly story of his three decades in prison for a crime he (a black man in 1980s Alabama) he didn't commit, and the forgiveness he was able to find upon eventual exoneration in face of abominable injustice.  (If you haven't already, you should also read the book Just Mercy by the attorney and advocate Bryan Stevenson, who writes the foreword. The movie of this same name is also just out in selected theaters and I would love to see it).  

I might have read Dr. Mona Hanna-Attisha's What the Eyes Don't See just before 2019 started, but its message is still with me and it has definitely been one of my favorite reads of the decade. The book is the heroic pediatrician's account of her efforts to uncover the Flint lead and water crisis to protect her vulnerable patients. It is shocking. It is gripping. It's hard to believe it's all true.

There is nothing new about religious hatred and violence, but Patrick Radden Keefe's nonfiction Say Nothing brings to life a the story of the mysterious disappearance of a housewife during the "Troubles" between Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland. The book reads like a murder mystery, but manages to humanize all of the characters (even IRA members) involved in the bloody conflicts of the era.

I love all of Graeme Simsion's Rosie books, and The Rosie Result (the third book in the series) was the story of now ten-year-old Hudson (son of Rosie and Don, who has Asperger's Syndrome) as he navigates his own identity and how he fits in to a world which doesn't always embrace those who are different.  Simsion is Australian, and the wittiness of his writing and characters will keep you highly entertained. 
 

I just recently finished Min Jin Lee's Pachinko while in the Dominican Republic, and it is one of those novels whose characters will long live on in my memory. The saga follows the story and course of generations of women and men of Korean descent living in Japan amidst the period of its occupation in the early twentieth century and the decades which follow. If you've ever known East Asians or spent time in this area of the world, you will appreciate the novel's cultural and historical commentary.


Please hit me up with recommendations on what I should put on my to-read list in 2020!