(Reluctant) Little Pianists

 

Iver has been taking "piano lessons" (taught by me!) since he (showed interest for the first time and) was about six, the year after we got a Quarantine Piano. Six is also the age at which I started taking piano lessons with some highly rated (and costly) teachers that my parents selected. For years (as I'm sure my parents remember), I put up a big fuss about practicing the instrument but I was told I must play until I was sixteen (at which point I was told I was going to be free to choose whether to continue or not).  My parents ("YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU'RE DOING THIS!") were indeed right-- I was glad to have the classical music background, and music (piano but then mostly flute) continued to be a huge part of my life through high school, college, and medical school (after which it ran into a dead end because of the time demands of residency, then frequent OB call and an exhausting medical career, kids, and... well, life). Participating in bands, orchestras, and choirs connected me to some of the best people and memories of my life.

The morning (~15 min on weekdays except when I'm on call) piano "lessons" (sessions) with Iver have been a fairly low-stakes way to introduce and expose him to music, without shooting for any specific goal or achievement but just learning for learning's sake.  It is not easy, however, to get him to the bench, with lots of feet-(finger?) dragging when it's time to "practice."  Understandably, no kid (even me when I was one and especially kids who like to do well!) likes to struggle with a skill that takes hours and years to improve. However, I do think that doing things that are "good for you long term, even though they're not always fun [and I'm notoriously a fun-stopper]" are important.  

For Iver, so that piano is more "fun," I let him choose songs (ordering popular sheet music) that he wants to play and "what to practice." Many days, he'd rather do Hanon exercises or practice chords than put the left and right hand together to play a piece. We could definitely do more theory and note-reading instruction, but I am giving myself grace in that I'm doing my best in the limited time we have. I'm good at quite a few things, but patiently teaching my own kids is not my forte (no music metaphor intended).

Since the spring, I've also been teaching Niall (also now six) piano, for ~15 minutes on each weekend day.  He, like his brother, doesn't love sitting still for the instruction and lessons, but is extremely musical with excellent pitch and a love of singing (especially canciones in Spanish!). 

He even made this tiny origami "piano" while at church last week, and which I think is adorable!

I sill struggle constantly with the choice of "forcing" something (music is the topic here, but other things can be included) that they may not be passionate about (*yet*?). I do suspect that my boys being taught by someone else (not related to them) may be more "productive" and let me off the hook for being the piano nag (which sometimes feels like it stresses our connection); however, I am still hesitant to spend money and (,perhaps more importantly) time on shuttling them to an activity about which they're lukewarm. I also don't like that, in the limited amount of time I have to spend with them especially during busy work-weeks, we have to fight about piano.

While my parents blessed me with an incredible and interesting young life including travel, sports, music and enrichment activities, and also instilling a lifelong love of reading and learning, I do think I was pushed a bit too hard, achievement-wise and was over-scheduled, probably contributing a lot to anxiety and extreme perfectionism that I had in my younger years (now, over forty, I am finally learning to relax, be okay with being "good enough" and not the best, and to let many things go, truly embracing "middle-aged mediocrity," as I say).  This included (for many years) playing the piano. 

Now, as a mother myself, I am extremely conscious about how I am choosing to parent my own children, sometimes in ways that differ significantly with how I was raised (and sincerely hoping that my parents don't take this personally).  Having an extremely strong-willed oldest child, I have learned that we have to be very wary about how rigid and inflexible we are, as he has many of the same tendencies, which leads to a lot of power struggles and conflict within the home.  Forcing things with him so often backfires, and we really have to choose our battles to keep the peace. I choose to prioritize connection over control almost all of the time, while still having rules, standards, and holding boundaries (Janet Lansbury, Susan Stiffelman, and Dr. Becky Kennedy are some of my favorite parenting experts to follow who really get what it's like to co-regulate with your child). I also really want to raise humans who do not have the same perfectionistic tendencies as I do and I want them to know that I love them for who they are, not for what or how well they do. It is more important to be kind and happy than the top of your class or an expert in a field. 

At some point (I'm not sure if it'll be all the way to sixteen, though-- maybe middle school?), we will see whether continuing play piano or other musical instruments is something either kid wants to pursue.  I want the kids to be internally, not externally motivated to do things that bring them joy and a sense of satisfaction.  I have to guide, but be supportive and know when to back off.  I can't nag them forever.  I have learned and accepted that I must parent the kids I have, not the kids I wish or thought I would have.  They may never be lovers of music, reading books, sports, rollercoasters (no one will ever ride with me!), hiking, adventure travel (or, frankly, even vegetables).  But I will love and praise them anyway!

A Gentle Hand

I have been so humbled as a parent because of how hard parenting is. 

I thought kids would respond positively to parental love and guidance, and I was not prepared for the amount of defiance, resistance, push-back, and attitude that I have received in return. I didn't know it would be so hard to know when to encourage (even push) them when they didn't really want to do something and when to back off, letting them take the lead on their effort and wishes (and even allowing painful natural consequences).  I also didn't fully get that, depending on the kid (especially their innate drive and temperament), your approach may differ wildly.

Iver has always been an extremely energetic, strong-willed ("spirited") kid with high standards for achievement both academically and athletically, which seem largely self-imposed (despite similar qualities in both Kelvin and me, his parents). I have been extremely conscious in parenting to not expect or emphasize high achievement in him, because in all the psychology books I've read and all that I've learned about kids (as well as adults!) and mental health, this can be a huge set-up for anxiety and unhappiness later in life.  I want him to enjoy a wide range of activities, and pursue what he finds interesting and fulfilling, not what will make him "successful" or "productive."  We've definitely found that a heavy hand with Iver back-fires more than it helps, and a very hands-off, empathetic and neutral approach fosters more compliance and cooperation, as well as much more peace at home.

Niall, on the other hand, is extremely laid-back.  He hasn't been as motivated to walk, run, play sports, swim, or ride bikes, etc., which I generally would expect of a child of his age. One pediatric developmental milestone around his age (almost six) is tying shoelaces, which I recall Iver being able to do around the age of three or four. Niall (who has excellent fine motor skills!) doesn't seem particularly motivated to learn this skill (despite my projected fears he'll go to college in velcro shoes), and one desperate day we offered Iver (who is very financially motivated) $10 to teach Niall to tie shoes. "C'mon, Niall! Let me show you how to do bunny ears!" we heard. ("I'm not interested," replied Niall to his frustrated brother). We are letting it go, for now.

However, we did push him to re-start swim lessons (we don't need him to be an Olympian, just be proficient enough to not drown), which he's actually enjoying (he "quit" last winter). We also felt it was important to encourage independent bike-riding and a few months ago, took the training wheels off his bike. Every weekend day that we've been home and the weather was reasonable, we have had him do five up-and-backs on our lane on his bike.  He has not wanted one of us to let go of the handlebars or the back handle for months, and would panic if he was free, despite being able to steer and pedal quite well!  Kelvin would get frustrated (I, less so).  We knew he "could" do it... but he didn't "want" to do it, and didn't seem confident enough to go on his own...

...until today.  I had my hand gently on his back until I just took it off... and he was riding on his own! It was incredible (except I can NOT get my video to post here!).  I think parents are always awed and excited at milestones and accomplishments in their children (walking, talking, and beyond).  I think, when that child has struggled longer or harder than others or had to work harder, the achievement is that much sweeter.  I have really taken to heart that it's not our job to force or push our children too hard (on our agenda or because we feel their performance is a reflection of our parenting OR any of our worth). It's our job to stand and walk alongside them on their journey... until they're ready to fly on their own.

Tag Team Parenting

I was on call for Labor Day Weekend and had a LOT of labors (I attended one scheduled cesarean and six other vaginal births!). When I'm on call, Kelvin likes to "do his own thing" with the kids, which usually means they're out and about a lot.  I did have some time in between the births at home to hang out with kids and K but was back and forth (and rounding) a lot (and needed some naps).

They went to a barbeque on Saturday 

Niall was happy to be reunited with bud Dylan, who was in town for the weekend

On Sunday, K and the Spellmeyers went back to Redding for a last hurrah at the water park on the last open weekend of the season. The weather was only in the 80s (which probably would have felt too cold for me to be in the water anyway), but they had a good time! 

Red Robin dinner

The measure of a good day: sleeping on the ride home!

Hudson was over for a few hours on Monday and Niall dressed up in a crazy outfit, with a wetsuit as the "base layer."

"Captain Overpants"!

Then, this week, Kelvin left on Wednesday to go to a Silent Retreat outside of Grass Valley (more on this later-- I hope he can write a guest blog for me on his experience!).  Soon after his departure, our fire alarms started chirping. Despite battery changes, resetting and then unplugging the things, I still have beeping from at least one. I've been managing not to go insane and can drown it out with white noise. 

My kind of solo parenting involves a lot of time puttering and chilling at home-- reading and snuggling.  The kids like having "sleepovers" in our king bed! 

I am also much less particular (than Kelvin) about kids doing messy art projects or experiments or doing various things with glitter and paint...

... including hair! 

Iver wanted some green (temporary) hair color for Halloween and I found some on sale! They both wanted to go to school on Friday sporting some green, which was fine by me! Many of the kids in their school have brightly colored hair, as it turns out (as I saw at regular drop-off time).

There was lots of cooking and potion-mixing/science experimenting

Solo-parenting @ Saturday soccer

(Niall took this photo!)

Iver played goalie for the first time (and his team won!)

Niall was entertained with "baby Evan"

Kelvin is back on Sunday and, while I may not be ever able to figure out the smoke alarms, the solo parenting is going quite fine this time around (as opposed to my traumatic time in March)! 

Fighting "Hustle" Culture and Productivity

 

"Old Enough"

The rest of your life (as parents) starts....

when your kids can make their own lunches! 

Niall has been really *into* doing his own thing in the kitchen lately-- including getting snacks, preparing toast with peanut butter (for a "lunch"), etc.!  It's super awesome to see. There is a lot of evidence that American parents "hover" and "overparent" too much, doing things for our kids that they can obviously do themselves, either to be "attentive" or because we are perfectionists with our own anxieties about efficiency, messes, etc. The Japanese show on Netflix "Old Enough" has helped us as well as our kids figure out all the amazing things that our young kids are capable of doing... if we'd just let go a bit! 

Now, if only we can convince this kid that it would be great to go to the bathroom (AND WIPE!) independently.... sigh. 

It Takes a Village

I was on call this past weekend and attended four births, but didn't get called in on Saturday, when we were lucky to attend the baby shower of Cila, a dear friend/teacher of both of our kids, and her partner, Shane. 

Cila is in her late thirties and as maternal and loving a figure as one could be. She has wanted to be a parent forever, even considering fostering. She is now pregnant with her first, into her third trimester, is so excited to be about to be a parent to a baby boy. So many friends, former students, and parents, gathered at Jen and Miles' home in McKinleyville to shower her with love and gifts. The decor (by Christina, I think) was so impressive, and the food amazing. 

Glowing on her throne!

So many "mamas" to look up to! 

With BFF Shannon

We LOVE this lady!

Many of her existing "kiddos"!

It truly takes a village to raise a child (/children), and she has been a huge part of our support system locally. We can't wait for the big day and for her to embark on her own parenthood journey.  (Niall is still puzzled because he thought the baby was going to be born at the “shower”!). 

Additionally, my dear prenatal clinic medical assistant Dani has been on her own challenging fertility and parenting journey, and another MA has organized a fundraiser to help with her IVF expenses. Donate if you can!  

A Rare (Campground) Date Night!

Kelvin and I don't get out that much alone locally, as I (far more than Kelvin) often feel extremely guilty enlisting "babysitters" on evenings/weekends, which, being busy working parents, are the times we have free to spend time and thus (I tend to feel) *should be* spending time with our kiddos.  He and I do prioritize "getting away" (just the two of us) for a few days each year when family can watch and nurture them, and when we can enjoy hikes and travel without the constraints of little bodies and their demands; however, date nights (especially early during the pandemic when we really didn't do much of anything outside the home for almost two years!) are exceptionally rare for us (although we did go out for an evening for my 40th). Other than from the kids' schools, we haven't felt like we have much of a "village" here to support us with childcare locally, but are trying to slowly change that and, as the pandemic recedes from dominating our lives, are trying to do more adults-only events when we're invited.  

Last weekend, we were supposed to go on a  double-date with a friend couple to Campground, a very nice local restaurant in downtown Arcata featuring steak and other meat delicacies; however, the wife of the couple became ill with COVID and had to cancel.  Instead of just postponing the whole thing (as we'd lined up a well-loved babysitter, Gloria), Kelvin and I still went ahead on the single date and and made an evening out of it (including a very romantic trip to the nearby Co-Op grocery store!). We had drinks and yummy food (he had the filet mignon and I the duck breast) and enjoyed some adult conversation over dinner (without being interrupted 10,000 times or with spills of milk) and even started planning for a little 40th birthday getaway for him later this fall.

The kids are now a lot easier to manage as they're older, and seem to have less separation anxiety than earlier in their lives, which makes us feel better (and me far less guilty) about ditching them for a few evening hours (we only got ONE text and FaceTime attempt from Iver on a sneaked iPad wondering when we'd be coming home). They really enjoyed their evening with Gloria, who put them to bed easily, and knew that they were (and would still be) well loved when we returned. I am coming to realize that we are far better parents (and do better as a couple) when we can have some breathing room to ourselves and can conversations outside of the "business" type of practical house-management talk we often do at home when juggling tasks, shopping, family, and careers (and little interrupting children). With hope, there will be more date nights (and fewer COVID disruptions) to come in our future!

Authentic Motherhood

Mother's Day is a complicated day for many. There are the women who've lost their moms, or who are estranged from their own moms (or children). There are women who have lost children, or yearn to have them.  There are women who, in many places in the U.S., will now be forced to become mothers against their will without adequate support. 

 

In the spirit of authenticity (I've been listening and reading a lot of Brené Brown lately), there are also mothers who constantly feel and fear that we're not doing a great job of mothering.  It's certainly the hardest job there ever was, not one you can quit, and sometimes you wonder if what you do/say/model matters at all.  I recently read a heartbreaking book called the School for Good Mothers, in which a single mother (after her husband leaves her for a younger woman in the postpartum period) has a lapse in judgment and leaves her toddler home alone for a few hours; what follows is forced enrollment in a reform school for "bad mothers" where she is constantly evaluated for her fitness as a parent.  Haven't we all questioned how well we're doing as parents or whether we're really cut out for this job? 

I intentionally didn't visit FB much today, as the gleefulness of so many mothers and families, without showing some of the hardest parts of parenting, gets to be a bit much for me (even though I don't doubt some of these mothers’ joy and that they were really enjoying their days).  We struggle constantly in our house with managing extreme explosiveness and defiance and holding boundaries while maintaining empathy, when the latter has been pretty depleted. This year's Mother's Day weekend (one of the most rainy ones I remember in years) was not an occasion free from angry outbursts and screaming, power struggles, wrestling that got too physical, or tears (not all of which were the kids’).

However, during some seasons of storms, you still celebrate the sun.

On Saturday afternoon when the rain broke, we had an outdoor dinner. Iver set the tables and put out a "Happy Mother's Day" placemat. I donned my fleece robe for the occasion :)

We went to a kids' production of the 101 Dalmations featuring our friends' daughter, Clara (as "Patch").

On Mother's Day morning, I woke up to several hand-made gifts-- cards, a paper bouquet and a chicken (?!) from Iver, and a paperweight from Niall.

Iver "got up early" (well, just as early as he always rises) with Kelvin (while I slept in until 6:40) to thoughtfully prepare me "something mama would like"- some hard-boiled eggs and a salad (even though I'm not sure I've ever consumed salad for breakfast)!

He modeled this certificate after one he got from his school (the "Building V. House" part was modeled after the "Building Character" text which was printed on his). 

I attended virtual church while hanging out with Niall when Iver and K went to Sunday school and shopping.  We tried to go on a neighborhood walk (but got rained on), FaceTimed with our moms (Happy Mother's Day, even though apparently our cards never made it to you!!), read a lot of library books, and watched a few episodes of the Netflix Show "Old Enough," which features young Japanese children being sent on questionably age-appropriate errands (our kids think it's hilarious. And maybe they feel empowered to independently go grocery shopping now). I cooked my banh mi bowl dinner, which may be the only home-cooked meal not involving sausage or cheese that is eaten by my kids without complaint (whining about food is one thing I knew could not handle on this Mother's Day).

In twenty years, will my kids be kind, well-adjusted people who contribute meaningfully to the world?  I can only hope (and continue to worry daily that I don't screw up mothering too much; I'm really just aspiring to be "good enough"). We will see.  At least they'll probably remember that I made them eat their vegetables. 

Parents Can't Win!

 

 Bracing for "vacation"... 

Lessons of a childless workweek

Kelvin and I were able to take the week before Christmas (12/24 was a company holiday) off work, which coincided with the first week of Iver's two-week Christmas break from school (Kingston had three weeks off! Niall's school was also closed for 9 days). However, I had to return this week to take Monday/Tuesday OB weekly call plus holiday (NYE+) weekend call (and one week in SoCal is more than enough for me), so this time, we made plans for Kelvin and me to fly home and left the kids with my in-laws for the additional week. We'd figured that the boys would probably enjoy cousin and aunt time more than time at home with random babysitters while we worked locally; while initially a bit resistant, Iver came around and the boys have been having a blast with family (including a trip to Disneyland for Niall!).  Thankfully, K and my flight left LAX on Christmas night and didn't get disrupted by any of the COVID-related flight cancellations or weather events in California, and we were back at home by 11 p.m. or so on the 25th. Kelvin flies back down on Friday to retrieve the boys and will return the next day when I'm still on call (weather permitting).

It is extremely weird to be home here, without them (while we've traveled and left the kids with their paternal grandparents, we haven't been at home without them!). The house is quiet (eerily so).  Kelvin remarked on Sunday how "productive" he was able to be during the weekend day.  I am also finding that working without the mental load of parenting or trying to rush to do daycare pick-up or get everyone out the door on time has alleviated a lot of workday stress. Kids certainly add a hard "time" boundary (without them, we can stay a little late finishing charts or emails, or do work in the mornings or early evenings, which can lead to a bit of work-a-holicism), but it's sure way easier to be focused and productive at work without the "backpack" or background burden of day-to-day parenting duties (it's been seven years since I've experienced being a working adult without kids at home!). I didn't feel as guilty about sleeping at the hospital overnight and being there after 6 a.m. this morning due to a hypertensive labor patient because I wasn't worried about "showing up" and "being present" for the the kids, who usually wake up around that time.  Juggling after-hours and weekend on-call responsibilities (where I sometimes never feel mentally present because I'm always listening for my phone to ring) with parenting is extremely hard for me, so the burden is just a bit lighter this week.

I also have been cooking things that we like, without commentary like "Yuck! I don't like that!"  I realize that I mind cooking a lot less when I know that the food will get eaten and that my efforts will have not been in vain. This week, we've had crockpot tortilla soup, shrimp and cauliflower, ribs and brussel sprouts (the kids will eat ribs but not brussel sprouts), take-out sushi (Kelvin has an interesting Door Dash story about this), and will have Mongolian beef tomorrow.

There are hardly any dishes to wash when the kids don't come back from school with millions of tupperware containers! The house stays so clean!

We can have adult dinner conversations and tackle real issues, topics, and planning without being interrupted 5,000 times!

Kelvin tells me I don't nag him as much without parenting duties and attention to attempt to split equitably, and is enjoying that I let him do his own thing.

We can even wake up after 6 a.m. and still make it out the door on time!

Kelvin has been enjoying quiet time in the evenings watching basketball and TV (we even watched "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" together, the first movie I think we've watched together in maybe a year). If I weren't on call all the time, I'd enjoy some free time in the evenings, too. It’s nice to have couple time.  

We will have to figure out a sustainable plan for childcare for future years' breaks (including the summertimes) but this was a pretty good option this time as the kids seem to be doing extremely well (Facetiming only once and behaving well).  My MIL and SILs have been sharing lots of good photos and short videos to keep us in the loop.

Homemade pizza and gingerbread men at Kat's 

Time for art with Angel 

Stocking up on supplies

Card playing

Reading

Disney Trip with Theresa!

The amazing Spiderman!

Horsing around with Kat

You know you've taken on parenting when....

Movie time with cousins!

Special dessert gift from Santa 

Thanks to my in-laws for helping us so much this week by caring for our kiddos. While I do think I prefer vacation with kids to work without kids and I definitely miss them, it's been nice to have some adults-only breathing time this week.