Midlife Transitions

Many people have some sort of midlife reckoning, it seems.

For some, it comes in the form of a crisis (men dropping their wives and buying sports cars comes to mind). For others, it comes as more of a gradual recognition of how we want to live in the world, and I think I'm at that point!

At forty-three, I'm tired. I have struggled with balancing the pace of 20-minute office visits and the "metrics" of productivity in the primary care office setting for almost fifteen years.  I've taken overnight OB call at least once or twice a week (excepting my own maternity leave) during the same stretch of years, and now our prenatal and call model has changed (not for the better, I'm afraid). I'm finding that pulling all-nighters regularly is not good for my body, and I don't tolerate sleep deprivation as well as I did a decade ago.  When I am forced to park it in the hospital for 24-48 hours, I miss my family. I miss.... life, and feel at times like it's passing me by.   I often don't have the time, energy, or patience to play and kindly respond to my children and spouse or connect with others outside of work.

Last week, I had a break from patient-facing medicine and attended (virtually) a wonderful Inaugural CME (continuing medical education) course, "WHAM" (Women's Health and Menopause) put on by Harvard Medical School. I learned so much (with some self-interest) about the changes to women's bodies in middle age, along with how our moods, sleep, and outlook are affected by our fluctuating hormones. I also learned a ton about evidence-based treatments (including sessions in "Culinary Medicine" and WE. SHOULD. NOT. BE. AFRAID. OF. HORMONE-REPLACEMENT. THERAPY) that can reduce a lot of the symptoms, and suffering, unique to women at this point in our lives, when we have a lot our plates (demanding jobs, demanding kids, and more), and are undergoing some serious inevitable but disruptive physiologic changes. There were key talks about the interplay of stress, trauma, and hormones on our bodies and that living in a high-cortisol state constantly depletes us in so many ways, leading to burnout (duh, but validating). I got a serious break from my daily cortisol spikes-- and felt so much better.

While she was not a presenter at the conference, doctor Mary Claire Haver is another contemporary menopause expert, whose books and work are really illuminating about how our diet and exercise routines can really improve how well we feel (as well as our overall health. In short: Eat way more protein. And do strength training 2-3x per week because cardio alone cannot do it for you). 

In any case, I have realized with a lot of major contemplation that I really don't want to stay burned out, tired, and grouchy! I know I have to make some serious changes in my work life to stay more balanced, and it may have to start small, but I think it's worth doing (in fact, it's probably imperative). Stable misery is not a way to live! I can't get an A-plus at everything, and I don't want to rush through my days. Life is (probably?) half over, after all, and is meant to be enjoyed.  Stay tuned...

"Your ordinary life has extraordinary value. You don't have to work to uncover a secret dream because there might not be one. Your dream also doesn't have to include hustle and influence and numbers. Dreams don't have to be measurable to have meaning. Everyone has the right to dream big, but that doesn't mean everyone has to. It's all just life and all of it counts.."

..."You're not measured by greatness, success, or completed goals. In fact, I personally don't want to 'measure' my life at all. I want to live it." 

 - Kendra Adachi (fellow recovering perfectionist) in The Plan