We are almost two years into a pandemic, with the background stress of COVID ebbing and flowing (more flowing recently, due to the surge of Omicron). I am also seven years into parenting, which has presented numerous challenges to me personally and emotionally and is, by far, the hardest job I've ever done, especially in this day and age. I constantly feel like I'm threading a needle between "This will mess them up forever" and "Kids are resilient; they will be ok.")
I am not sure that all parents do it to the same degree, but a lot of parents I know (mostly moms; not to be sexist, but I think men don't have as much worry, guilt, or shame) are constantly wondering if what they're doing (or not doing) is screwing up their kids in some day, or ruining their chances of a happy, healthy, productive future. I tend (in life) to probably worry more than most, particularly about the future, and the type-A perfectionist in me wants to "get it right" (and December is a hard month for me with so much going on). There is a book called "Rule Makers, Rule Breakers; how Tight and Loose Cultures Wire Our World" (the psychology of which I heard about on NPR but which I haven't read yet) which describes "tight" and "loose" cultures (and people) in their approaches to problems. I bet you can guess which type I am (and sometimes that we feel like we don't "fit in" to the culture of which we're a part!).
Iver exhibits quite a lot of anxiety (gee, I wonder where he gets it from?) and tends to be "explosive" in his emotions (sometimes making me cry in frustration and fear of his future self even though I know I shouldn't take too personally his actions and words from an underdeveloped frontal lobe). Kelvin doesn't worry in the same way that our children might be serial killers or psychopaths if we don't parent just right (however, I'm sure Donald Trump's mother didn't want him to turn out the way he did, right?!).
I think pandemic parenting has magnified everything because we're constantly trying to walk a perfect line between worrying too much ("what if my kid goes, but then gets to exposed to COVID at that birthday party, and then gets quarantined, and we don't have childcare, and he misses school, or, worse, he spreads it to someone vulnerable and now I have to tell them about the exposure...") and worrying too little ("So if he gets COVID, then so what? Kids are very low risk for severe disease, and a ten-day isolation period is really not the end of the world. Other kids are out there enjoying life, which must go on! Masks for kids aren't even a thing in the UK. Let them play.").
Being down south with K's in-laws brings up a lot of challenges for me as a parent. We (mostly driven by me) are very tight with screen time in our house for the kids (set times on weekends only) and try our best to promote healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle (vegetables at lunch and dinner meals, please try what the adults eat, eat whole foods whenever possible, walks and exercise are good), despite how horrified I am by the pickiness of both kids (in different ways, but the common thread is that Hormel pepperoni is their favorite source of protein [cringe] and boxed mac and cheese is another staple, especially when I'm on call as Kelvin doesn't really cook). K's parents and brother are very relaxed with the above with their kids, and I always feel like a neurotic parent carrying around and adding fresh veggies to their plates when my kids eat with theirs and refusing constant sweet treats and junk food even though their cousins are allowed these seemingly without limits ("It's not our house or our rules. Lighten up," Kelvin says. "All kids are picky, but will probably be normally eating adults," he also reminds me).
There is screen time (too much and the wrong kind definitely harms kids in terms of attention spans, behavior, obesity and more). We adults obviously didn't grow up with ubiquitous iPads and phones and excepting summer times in Minnesota, I recall watching very little TV as a child or young adult and I'm constantly trying to shield my kids from getting sucked into the addiction to devices in favor of creative play, games, art, and reading ("I watched a lot of TV as a kid, still enjoy it, and I seem to be okay," counters Kelvin).
My rational brain knows (especially from all the parenting podcasts I listen to and books that I read) that having two loving but imperfect parents who engage and play with, read to, empathize with, and show up for our kids is what matters to long-term emotional health and academic success. However, in practice, it's just hard to know when and what to let go, and when to push your kids, set firm limits and boundaries, and hold the tight line lest the slope become too slippery.
Let me know if you have it figured out! I have a lot of years to wait to see if we parented "mostly okay."
- A "tight" mom struggling in a "loose" world with many modern challenges (and COVID)
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