This week, I will give my last child the last drop of breastmilk I have left. It's been quite a journey (actively breastfeeding for a full four out of the last just-over-five years).
Breastfeeding isn't a walk in the park. Many other moms have documented the struggle that is breastfeeding an infant and/or toddler, in terms of anxiety about "making" or having enough, time (sitting still for nursing sessions, but mainly the dreaded pumping and washing of pump parts!), emotional and physical energy, and being on a few-hour schedule without freedom to "get away" for days/months/years. Despite having a few rounds of lactational mastitis, I was lucky to have never struggled with milk supply, always having a comfortable freezer stash, although I was admittedly pretty militant about pumping when working or on call and constantly obsessing about milk (I have a theory that there is a whole part of moms' brains that is the "milk storage memory" that gets freed up when we stop breastfeeding altogether and allows us to become far more productive mentally). I never intended to be an "extended breastfeeding" mom, and would have been fine had my children self-weaned prior to age two (which is the WHO recommendation for optimal duration of breastfeeding but longer than AAP suggests), but, as it turns out, you cannot control your progeny-- both of my children have been extremely attached to breastfeeding/breastmilk!
The last Lansinoh bag of milk
(to be thawed tonight to be mixed with cow's milk for Niall's school cup for Wednesday)
I breastfed Iver until he was about two years and four days (around Christmas Day 2016), when, as he hadn't decided to stop himself, I decided it was time to cut him off (Kelvin and I went away to stay at a hotel in Ferndale overnight). Weaning him (a very strong-willed person!) didn't go super well (there was lots of whining and crying from what I recall), but I was so ready to be done and to move on!
Niall breastfed last about two weeks ago on the morning of February 17th, which was the morning of our flight and 10-day trip away to South America and two days after he turned two. He had been down to basically two nursing sessions (morning and night, and sometimes before a weekend nap) for several months, and I hadn't pumped in about three months (when I was out of town at a breech conference in Wisconsin), which made me not even mind direct nursing as the pressure for production was pretty much off (and he's a good eater of solids and a good drinker of cow's milk). Niall took the absence of milk (and us) very well from what K's parents told us, not even asking for "tutti," his name for nursing, which in Vietnamese translates to something like "sucking." (He's asked for it a couple of times since being back home in NorCal but is pretty distractable and I haven't given in).
I did a small amount of hand expression early on during our vacation to prevent uncomfortable engorgement; however, I really had very little flowing at that point so it wasn't much of an issue despite stopping breastfeeding somewhat abruptly by leaving the continent, and I'm pretty much all dried up!
Weaning or ending the breastfeeding journey can be bittersweet (as I don't plan to have any more kids nor nurse any more babies, these really were my last drops of milk!), but I feel that it is mostly sweet. The relationship of kids with their Dad seems to blossom now that I have no nutritional advantage (the cooking skills part is arguable, though!), and parenting responsibilities seem to balance out a bit more (in my experience), which is a blessing in terms of time and energy for me (as is the gain in mental space as I mentioned above). I'm most excited to never have to wash another pump part or hook myself up and listen to that annoying electric pump motor, although I'm not quite sure what to do with all my pumping supplies (including pumps themselves [I have three electric ones, which apparently are not entirely recyclable, intended for a single user, as well a hand pump], parts, etc.). I have donated some things (bras, tanks, reusable milk pads, unused storage bags, bottles) to friends and acquaintances, and I hate to "waste" anything, but in some ways, I'd like to secretly have a "trash the pump" party (with a spectacular flaming bonfire)!
I realize that I don't have a lot of older-infant or toddler nursing photos to show for my hard work and hours, but I have many (overwhelmingly positive) memories, and I did splurge on (bought myself) a piece of breastmilk jewelry, a delicate halo ring (from the company Milk Mama Creations) with a stone made from my own milk and flecked with silver, which I have been wearing in celebration of my journey.
I'm so thankful to have been able to provide, without excessive struggle, healthy nutrition and to have had incredible bonding experiences with both of my children as they started their young lives. I have learned so much about patience, touch, sacrifice, and love, and have a lot of experience and empathy for my patients and their families on similar journeys.
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