A Gentle Hand

I have been so humbled as a parent because of how hard parenting is. 

I thought kids would respond positively to parental love and guidance, and I was not prepared for the amount of defiance, resistance, push-back, and attitude that I have received in return. I didn't know it would be so hard to know when to encourage (even push) them when they didn't really want to do something and when to back off, letting them take the lead on their effort and wishes (and even allowing painful natural consequences).  I also didn't fully get that, depending on the kid (especially their innate drive and temperament), your approach may differ wildly.

Iver has always been an extremely energetic, strong-willed ("spirited") kid with high standards for achievement both academically and athletically, which seem largely self-imposed (despite similar qualities in both Kelvin and me, his parents). I have been extremely conscious in parenting to not expect or emphasize high achievement in him, because in all the psychology books I've read and all that I've learned about kids (as well as adults!) and mental health, this can be a huge set-up for anxiety and unhappiness later in life.  I want him to enjoy a wide range of activities, and pursue what he finds interesting and fulfilling, not what will make him "successful" or "productive."  We've definitely found that a heavy hand with Iver back-fires more than it helps, and a very hands-off, empathetic and neutral approach fosters more compliance and cooperation, as well as much more peace at home.

Niall, on the other hand, is extremely laid-back.  He hasn't been as motivated to walk, run, play sports, swim, or ride bikes, etc., which I generally would expect of a child of his age. One pediatric developmental milestone around his age (almost six) is tying shoelaces, which I recall Iver being able to do around the age of three or four. Niall (who has excellent fine motor skills!) doesn't seem particularly motivated to learn this skill (despite my projected fears he'll go to college in velcro shoes), and one desperate day we offered Iver (who is very financially motivated) $10 to teach Niall to tie shoes. "C'mon, Niall! Let me show you how to do bunny ears!" we heard. ("I'm not interested," replied Niall to his frustrated brother). We are letting it go, for now.

However, we did push him to re-start swim lessons (we don't need him to be an Olympian, just be proficient enough to not drown), which he's actually enjoying (he "quit" last winter). We also felt it was important to encourage independent bike-riding and a few months ago, took the training wheels off his bike. Every weekend day that we've been home and the weather was reasonable, we have had him do five up-and-backs on our lane on his bike.  He has not wanted one of us to let go of the handlebars or the back handle for months, and would panic if he was free, despite being able to steer and pedal quite well!  Kelvin would get frustrated (I, less so).  We knew he "could" do it... but he didn't "want" to do it, and didn't seem confident enough to go on his own...

...until today.  I had my hand gently on his back until I just took it off... and he was riding on his own! It was incredible (except I can NOT get my video to post here!).  I think parents are always awed and excited at milestones and accomplishments in their children (walking, talking, and beyond).  I think, when that child has struggled longer or harder than others or had to work harder, the achievement is that much sweeter.  I have really taken to heart that it's not our job to force or push our children too hard (on our agenda or because we feel their performance is a reflection of our parenting OR any of our worth). It's our job to stand and walk alongside them on their journey... until they're ready to fly on their own.

nORthern Fall Trail Therapy!

We, along with our friends, Beth/Pat and kids (Sophia & Olivia) were supposed to go north to stay at an AirBnB in August to explore the trails in and around the Southern Oregon Kalmiopsis Wilderness, which I've wanted to visit for a while!  However, we had to cancel (well, postpone) our trip due to a large wildfire near Gasquet, CA, which shut down Highway 199 which connects northern California and Oregon (the highway was entirely closed for several weeks and then partially closed with one-way traffic for some more). Sophia and Olivia are competitive swimmers with weekends often taken up by meets, but we were lucky to be able to reschedule for this weekend, when the kids were off school Friday for Veterans' Day. The roads were clear, the fires extinguished by (firefighters and) plenty of rain, and we benefitted from clear fall weather.  I'm so happy the others were game to "come along" to hike with us (hiking is perhaps my favorite activity!).

We hiked 5.6-mile round trip French Hill Trail outside of Gasquet on Friday on our way north. It was a challenging uphill climb on the way up, but the kids made it (Niall made about 4 miles on his own!).  The Spellmeyers are all incredible athletes (even though swimming is their forte), and it's really fun to do "sporty" things with them. Beth even went out for a run in the mornings before our days of hiking!

There were LARGE pine cones!

The views for the last stretch were better than the end of the trail, which dead-ended into a logging road. 

Our "adopted" daughter, Olivia!

Olivia took this family pic for us (right after she took a selfie of herself :)).

We checked into the "Lodge" at the RV resort in O'Brien, OR, a tiny town on the 199 just south of Cave Junction. It was a really comfy place with bunk beds, a full kitchen and nearby swimming hole (obviously not able to be utilized in the winter). We made dinners and breakfasts at home and packed lunches.

On Saturday, we headed into the Kalmiopsis Wilderness to Babyfoot Lake Trail.  I had thoroughly freaked out Beth on a uphill winding road outside of Weaverville over the summer, and the gravel road up to the start of the trail was a close hair-raising second, but we made it and she doesn't seem to hold it against me. It felt and was super remote, as well as was pretty cold when we started! 

I wish it had been less foggy as I'm sure the views would have been marvelous! 

The trail was only 2.4 miles round trip, and very manageable for the kids, who enjoyed messing around at the turnaround point, Babyfoot Lake. 

Group shot (no one fell off the log into the water)!

Family photo time!

Pat took this great panorama

We stopped by the Illinois River bank and also at the 8 Dollar Mountain Botanical Wayside to see the carnivorous pitcher plants native to this area. 

There was lots of relaxing (and some fighting) at "The Lodge." 

 

On our last morning, we headed just west of Selma, OR to Kerby Flat, which was a pretty easy grade loop of about three miles.

We walked past the banks of the Illinois River and viewed lots of nice fall foliage.

More large cones!

Niall hiked almost all of the three miles on his own (the highlight was seeing a gutted deer carcass!).

Fun photos

He needed a ride at the end and Olivia volunteered to be the carrier!

Kelvin had to continue onward (North) to Medford to overnight prior to another ophthalmology appointment for Pepper, and the kids and I rode home with the Spellmeyers.  It was a truly restorative, lovely fall weekend with lots of fun, laughter, and time in nature, which we all thoroughly enjoyed and which always makes my heart happy!