"Going Silent"

" Live each present moment completely and the future will take care of itself. Fully enjoy the wonder and beauty of each instant." - Paramhansa Yogananda

Kelvin mentioned a couple of months ago that he was considering attending a "Silent Retreat."

 A patient of his mentioned that she's been to a (women's only) retreat locally but he looked for other (co-ed) options in NorCal.

A silent retreat apparently includes: not talking, ideally meditating and thinking in nature, no tech/phones/wi-fi, no meat, and no alcohol.

When Kelvin told me he was going to try to go to one, I'm pretty sure I laughed hysterically and said something like, "Wow, why?!" thinking that it seemed like quite a stretch for what is comfortable for him. Quiet time reading books and unplugging sounds like heaven to an introvert me, but for Kelvin, a very extroverted, "busy"/productive person who loves to use his phone and to stay connected and on top of tasks, it sounded, well, pretty much like... torture. However, I was really interested in how he was going to deal with the discomfort (and tech withdrawal), and if he'd return changed and with any new habits (I requested a guest blog upon his return to the speaking world).  (K also asked if  we had a yoga mat to bring with him, which also caused me to laugh incredulously. I am no closer to yoga than he is. No, we don't own a yoga mat). In any case, he selected a program outside of Nevada City, CA and drove part of the way there last Wednesday night after work.

Photos were of course taken when he arrived (and before he had to put away his phone), but you can get a sense of the peaceful, wooded surroundings here:

Temple of Silence (meditation chapel)

His little cabin:

As requested, this is what he wrote, on “Going Silent:"

 

Back in May 2023, I was inspired by a patient to explore going on a silent retreat.  I had considered attending one in the past, but always hesitated.  I researched various locations, costs, and dates and selected Ananda Meditation Retreat, about seven hours from home and at a time (a September weekend) during which Tara didn't have any work (OB call) conflicts and could watch the kids.  Given that this was going to be my first time attending such a program, which included: NO talking, NO electronics, NO alcohol, and NO meat (only vegetarian/vegan meals were served), I opted for the four-day retreat option.  

I actually forgot about it until the week before the actual retreat.  On the Tuesday before it started, there was a Zoom prep meeting to review the guidelines and what to bring.  I had planned to pack the following (in case of extreme boredom which is what Tara predicted): some uplifting books (including a high school yearbook for reflection), a journal and pen to document experience, ample Sudoku to pass the time, and a list of some intentions and goals for the week.  My intentions included: learning to be more present, less distracted, less anxious/angry, and becoming a better husband and father. The agenda (which was more packed than I anticipated!) included instructional sessions on meditation and yoga. 

 

Thursday 9/7/23 – Day 1 of Silent Retreat

 

I arrived at the Ananda Meditation Retreat with guarded optimism.  I’ve never been silent for any significant length of time except for when I was a pre-verbal infant!  Since owning a smartphone, I have gone only one full week without using it regularly (back in 2013 when Tara and I hiked Mt. Kilimanjaro).  I have given up meat for Lent (for forty days) during medical school.  I was sure that giving up electronics, meat, and alcohol would be pretty manageable; however, to remain silent seemed the greater challenge.  

Most people were surprised or laughed when learning of my intent on participating in a silent retreat. My sister thought I was having a midlife crisis.  My coworkers (wryly) wished me luck.  Tara, who thought it would be a nightmare for me as an extrovert, feared I would go crazy.  Their doubt motivated me even more.  On one hand, I wanted to prove to people and myself that I could handle something like this just fine (I am pretty confident that I can do anything for a finite period of time and felt that four days would pass in a snap!).  On the other hand (and more importantly), I wanted to do something meaningful for myself.  As I progress in my 40s (as I'm soon to be forty-one), I’m supposed to act more mature, be patient and wise, be a good and loving partner/husband, and be an attentive father. However, and most unfortunately, I fear that recently, I seemed headed in the wrong direction.

In the past few years (magnified by the stressors of the COVID-19 pandemic), I have become more notably anxious and irritable, more angry, less patient, and less kind to those around me and to whom I love the most (particularly at home). I am guilty of communicating harshly by yelling, threatening, bullying, and shaming. I have had it pointed out that I sometimes treat my family (specifically my sons) like I am a general and they are my soldiers, feeling it my responsibility to drill, educate, and instill values and lessons that I thought would prepare them for school, social situations with their friends, and for the rest of their lives. (My wife also reminds me that, at home, she and the kids are not my employees). I wanted (demanded) unquestioned obedience and I wanted it immediately, prioritizing compliance over connection.  I disliked inefficiency and messes (especially those involving messy art projects, glitter, or dirt).  The person most often on the receiving end of my aggressive behavior was the person who both looks up to me the most and the one who is most like me-- my strong-willed and spirited first-born son, Iver. 

Activities:

               Learning to meditate (relaxation, interiorization, expansion)

               Start of silence

               Reading and self-reflection

               Walking and hiking

Dinner: broccoli cashew soup and salad

 

Friday 9/8/23 – Day 2 of Silent Retreat

 

I slept restlessly throughout the night (which is not unusual these days). When I awoke at 7 a.m. I continued reading “Lessons in Meditation” and tried to apply some meditation techniques, feeling myself become notably more calm and tranquil.  However, it was very difficult to refocus when my mind entered “restlessness".  Whenever boredom crept in, I felt the urge to reach for my phone to either check the time, review e-mails, or scroll some mindless apps like ESPN or Facebook (fortunately, since the retreat's start, my phone was already powered off and hidden away). To be alone in a sparse and basic room without Wi-Fi or TV really forced me to empty my head and I had to lean into being alone with my thoughts instead of clutter my mind and time with unnecessary and distracting "fillers."

Not talking was easier than I expected.  Silence showed me that most of my verbal communication is unnecessary.  I filled the void (in my regular life) with talking, singing, yapping, checking, managing, planning, directing– with the majority of the content being without value added.  I realize that a lot of my anxiety stems from fear of the unknown and lack of control, projecting and visualizing things (and things that may go wrong) both near and far in the future ("Anxiety lives in the future.").

I flashed back to a phone call that Tara made to me on Wednesday, shortly after I hit the road out of town (when she knew I still had phone access and cell service, as well as a voice to talk). The smoke detectors in our house were chirping and, despite already changing multiple units' batteries and resetting them, she couldn't get them to stop. My instinct was to immediately feel nervous, anxious, and want to try to jump in and "manage" the situation (from afar). However, Tara, on the other hand, despite having to potentially live with annoying chirping for days in a row, seemed calm and said "Don't worry. I've done all I can at this time, and that's all I can do. We'll just live and deal with it for now."  Ordinary Kelvin may have tried to (from the road) frantically research YouTube videos on how to stop chirping despite battery changes, or call a local friend to come rescue Tara's electronics situation; however, even before the silent retreat had started, I was able to take a deep breath and to let it go.  I realized (even more so over the course of the retreat) that it is wholly unproductive to worry about things that are beyond my control, and it is additionally offensive when I impose my anxiety on others who are already coping better with life's uncertainties and annoyances; this was a big step (leap) for me.

Activities:

               Learning yoga postures

               Meditate levels (conscious, subconscious, super-conscious)

               Continued to be silent

Breakfast: raisin bran cereal, plum, boiled egg

Lunch: vegetarian pad Thai, crispy tofu, fried egg

Dinner: coconut curry soup and salad

 

Saturday 9/9/23 – Day 3 of Silent Retreat

 

I do not love nature.  I hike on other people's suggestions for companionship. I much prefer hot showers and comfortable beds than "roughing it" in the wilderness. While Tara doesn't enjoy camping either, spending time in nature and hiking is her happy place (and while I enjoy the journeys on trails, even when we sometimes get lost, she has been known to say "IT'S ABOUT REACHING THE DESTINATION. WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING!". I knew that her introverted soul would love retreating to a place in the woods like this).  

There were three main trails at Ananda.  I had completed the two shortest ones twice, but the third was a four-mile loop. On day three, I rose early to hike it in order to fully maximize all the offerings and natural beauty of the setting of the retreat.  I gave myself two hours to complete the hike before needing to shower, breakfast and make it to the morning session and started the hike at a classically Kelvin-like pace – fast, efficient, and goal-oriented.   However, when I realized I was ahead of schedule, I began to slow down-- making a point to enjoy the scenery and starting to pay attention to cool morning air and the tranquil surroundings.  Memories of my childhood flooded my head-- the fun ones, the sad ones, my regrets, and my achievements.  I was mentally going down memory lane, as I had the space and time to reflect backwards and become more contemplative, rather than have my mind race forward to the next "thing" as is commonly my default.

I reflected on the course of my past and my life, and embraced my belief that all things happen for a reason – my failures have made me stronger, and unsuccessful relationships prepared me for the next one until I got it right.  I try to live my life with no regrets since I cannot change the past, but somehow struggle to let go of the illusion that I can control my way through the present and future. Sitting in silence, alone in my thoughts, has helped adjust my mentality. Meditation and mindfulness is largely rooted in Buddhism, but Tara and I are strong Christians.  I know that God has guided my on the right path, and I appreciate the past (and the present) even more now.  He does say, "Be Still, and Know That I Am..." We could all benefit from the stillness, the peace, and the embrace of the present that meditation and a Silent Retreat can offer.

Activities:

               Garden tour

               Meditate

               Yoga postures

               4-mile loop hike

 

Breakfast: raisin bran cereal, boiled egg

Lunch: vegetarian stir fried with rice

Dinner: lentil soup and salad

 

Sunday 9/10/23 – Day 4 of Silent Retreat (and return to "the real world")

 

Insights that came to me during the retreat:

               Talking is overrated.

               We fill the void with unnecessary verbal communication.

               Silence is golden.

               I do not need meat or alcohol in my daily diet and consumption.

 

Little changes I could make to support my goals and intentions:

               Meditate 15 minutes/day

               Read 10 pages/day

               3 "diaphragmatic breaths" when tense

               6 "regular breaths" when upset

               Be silent more frequently – 30 minutes/day

               Be more present around family

               No emails (work) after hours

               No cell phone use after hours

 

Things to do for Tara:

               Be more present

               Protected family time (no phone multitasking): dinner, 5-8 pm, 6-7:30 am

               Involve her in decision-making

               Involve her even when she’s on call

               Apologize

               Show more kindness

 

Things to do for Iver and Niall:

               Be more present

               Say yes more 

               Play with them, prioritizing connection over my own tasks/agenda

               Show more kindness and tenderness

               No yelling, threatening, shaming

               Be silly

               Let kids be kids (this includes glitter and messy art projects) 

(hoping to read this book in its entirety)

I do think that Kelvin came back from his retreat calmer and happier than I've seen him in a while. He is practicing "silent" time in the evenings and getting up early to have quiet time and to meditate.  I think we all could use some retreating, unplugging, and resetting in our over-scheduled, tech-heavy lives.  We could all use a little more "Going Silent."