Pandemic Parents need a hug (and a break)

 

I am wishing all my fellow "Pandemic Parents" out there some extra energy and motivation this week. Like many people, I truly have been hitting a bit of a pandemic parenting wall recently, as we approach a year of living "this way."  The NPR podcast interviewing one of the authors of the NYT "Primal Scream" series really hit on the struggles that often hit moms/women most. Kids need other social outlets and some organized led-by-others activities. We are not designed to be (all the time) authority figures/friends/educators/entertainers and full-time working and functioning adults. We need a village, and it has not been there (in person). Kids' mental health and behaviors have also become harder to deal with the longer this pandemic drags on (and, naturally, our own patience and resilience suffers, too. I’ve definitely been guilty of screaming at home to the point of hoarseness when I am usually the more calm and patient parent). 

My biggest continued frustration is the reluctance of our local public school to open (a few in the area are opening for part-time K-3 school this week and I'm hopeful that overcoming this fear and inertia will encourage our tiny school to take the leap ASAP). Pandemic/supplemental homeschooling after my "day job" is a responsibility that I continue to resent deeply (and which is not shared equally among parents in our house, like in many homes, despite my having a pretty "woke" and feminist-ally husband).  The dynamic of parents supervising the education of/teaching children is not one that is comfortable nor reasonable for most families (especially with a bright, opinionated, easily bored, easily distracted and strong-willed child like we have, along with an energetic toddler sibling at home).  Elementary school is undoubtedly essential while virtual learning is horrendous (and bad for kids), and I am constantly frustrated that finding a way to appropriately educate our nation's children (including vaccinating teachers which, while important, is not a pre-requisite for having in-person school in my opinion as well as the CDC's) has not been a priority in this country. (Locally, we are in an extremely low-COVID area and have been for the year. Teachers have been offered their shots. There is no evidence-based reason that local elementary schools should not be opened immediately and in my estimation should have been open this whole school year).  The reluctance for many of our local teachers to jump in and do their job, and which is completely out of my control, really has no definite end point, and which comes at the cost to a generation of children, is beyond maddening.  I feel like I can "cope" with everything else this pandemic has thrown at us, but the educational burden feels like one that is regularly too much to bear for this healthcare worker mom and social justice warrior, and has cost my school’s educators a lot of my respect going forward. Maybe, in the end, "the kids will be alright." But maybe they actually won't (and we parents or some of us as family units won't). 

I really needed to hear from my "virtual friends," the Moms at the What Fresh Hell podcast, which did a great episode last week on the fact that "Moms are not okay." Sometimes, it feels like everyone else is adjusting well to pandemic life (having so much time to bake bread and learn new languages or instruments) and getting the hang of this, and I'm the only one struggling and angry for change and progress (I have had nightmares that public school has decided to not ever open and that private, virtual school, or homeschooling will be the *new ways* of the future). I hate that my stress explodes as bursts of rage directed at my family (because it’s not professional to scream at patients or coworkers at work!), but I know I’m not alone.  Listening to this episode was so validating, like a big hug through this hardest of seasons, and I urge all moms (or parents) about to lose their minds to check it out.

(The above statement is not entirely true. Iver, a terrible sleeper in the past, now sleeps very well but is far more challenging in many other ways. Niall [the easy baby] has started to push the bedtime battles a bit and I'm wondering if he will be dropping his nap in the near future, which would devastate Kelvin, who likes to nap at the same time on weekends, but may help him fall asleep better in the evening without a fight). Sleep struggles are among the hardest things I find about parenting. I so long for a bedtime-battle-free night when someone else can get the kids to sleep!  WE WANT AND NEED A NIGHT OFF!!

It sure would be nice to have a grandparent involved/present enough in person to comment on the behavior of our kids these days, even as irritating as it sometimes can be to be judged (/guided) how *best* to raise them, because some kids are more challenging than others and truly have to be parented in specific ways.  I don't think many people (especially non-parents-of-young-kids) truly "get" how incredibly difficult it is to be a good and stable parent to such kids (especially through a pandemic) when your own cup feels so empty a lot of the time. 

I miss having a village.

Sigh. 

Until then, I will have to make the most of my virtual chats and parenting/mom podcasts. Too bad the NYT primal scream hotline is no longer active— I’ll have to settle for screaming at my bedroom wall (at least that’s better than at my spouse or children).