If I took a poll of those parents out there with more than one child, I wonder if most people's experience has been that kid #2 (or parenting subsequent kids) has been easier than (parenting) the first.
Having two kids is not easier than having one. While you do the best you can with triaging, you always or often feel as though you are neglecting someone's needs when dealing with the other and one kid is always getting the short end of the stick. Iver often whines to me, "Why are you always feeding Niall? Pay attention to me!" When I'm reading or playing with Iver (which I try intentionally to find time to do as it's been difficult to have one-on-one time due to the infant being nutritionally dependent on me [or me via the hated breast pump]), Niall has (on far more than one occasion) bonked his head or gotten into the dog's water bowl. I have had a really hard time as an introvert and working mom of two (whose more demanding child no longer naps) finding time and space to recharge. Boy, do I look forward to their bedtimes, even though when I can actually breathe, I can never decide whether I can try to *relax* or whether I should make the most of the peace to tackle items on my never-ending to-do list.
That being said, it's been a huge blessing to have an easier child (in temperament, at least so far) the second time around (i.e. God knowing and not giving me more than I can handle). I'm so glad it happened in this order, this way; otherwise, I'd be in seriously big trouble!
Iver (almost four) is a truly incredible little human being. He is so intelligent. He amazes me with his photographic memory of places, things, people, details, and conversations. You can never tell him something and hope he forgets it. He can do addition and subtraction in his head, tie his shoes, understand quite a bit of Vietnamese, and has an incredible vocabulary. He spells, writes, and has advanced deductive reasoning. He is loving, sweet, and hilarious. He is passionate and energetic.
But He. Is. Hard.
He is spirited. He has always been extremely intense. As an infant, he had an extremely piercing cry, and had a very hard time self-soothing. He fought every nap and sleep. He fought solid food. He was hard to wean. I frequently had to wrestle him into the car seat and endure lots of screaming most car rides. Tooth-brushing is still hard (but getting a lot better). He is very sensitive to textures and temperatures and doesn't like changes in routines. He is stubborn, rarely backs down, and still throws major long-lasting tantrums over seemingly inconsequential things because he wants them his way. We as his parents have to and often set firm limits, but we also have to pick our battles because it's extremely exhausting to have conflicts hundreds of times per hour. I think (hope/pray) Iver will be an incredible leader as an adult with strong convictions and morals (if we all survive his childhood).
With him, we didn't really attempt formal sleep training early, as I just thought and prayed that things would eventually get better (They didn't. We worked hard to get him to sleep through the night for the first time around 18 months), and in his more than 1000 days on this earth, the number of times he's gone to bed or nap without some kind of crying/stalling or a fight is (or at least seems) in the 10% range (maybe 30% recently; it was especially bad after the birth of his sibling but certainly has gotten better). I think I've gotten more than 10 nighttime hours of sleep out of him about three times total in almost four years. He was a 4:40 a.m. "up for the day" waker for a year. He still wakes sometimes at night-- with nightmares or feeling something "licking him" (this was this week) and looking for us.
And child #2? I don't know if second children just figure out early that they need to be able to play on their own or self-soothe because mom and/or dad's attention is divided from the start (or if we're just more relaxed as second-time parents), or if our little Niall just has a different temperament by luck. In any case, even as a newborn, he would sometimes get thrown in the bassinet when I was dealing with a three-year-old fit, and somehow just find a way to get himself to sleep. We certainly have had some infant sleep challenges in recent months-- due to fevers/illnesses, teething, the time-change, and travel, but he naturally slept longer night stretches from an earlier age and has never fought me with the ferocity with which his older brother did (does). His cry is also much more mellow and "fussy," not "scream-y." Kelvin recently finished reading "The Happy Sleeper" book (my favorite of all the many sleep books I've read in the last few years and the one I recommend to new parents), and since we're now on the same page, we have gotten to experience the joyful bedtime routine that goes like:
1. We bathe him (if needed) and put on jammies
2. I nurse him in the living room.
3. Around 7 p.m., we hug and kiss him, say goodnight, put him in the crib in the dark with white noise while he's awake, and walk out of the room.
4. He talks and babbles to himself.
5. Within 5-10 minutes, he has rolled over and is out cold.
Training Niall (9.5 months) didn't even take time. Upon returning from Orange County, we started this this week, and he got it on night #1. Most nights, he sleeps up to 7-9 hours before one nursing session (or, if he wakes sooner, he puts himself back to sleep without intervention) and is back to sleep easily in the crib until about 6:30 a.m., which is more than eleven hours.
Niall's crib is still in our room (and he is quite noisy, meaning that we sometimes get woken up even when he doesn't need us, despite white noise and earplugs) and, of course, we expect some minor setbacks with sleep regressions and future travel (and naps aren't quite so easy); however, for now I am still having a hard time comprehending our blessing(s). I can't imagine how good (like a million bucks?) I'll feel when both children are consistently sleeping through the night. It seems like a dream, too good to be true (we may attempt night weaning in the near future but not sure when).
I am not sure if it actually was possible to have have *trained* Iver in the same way, as he certainly is a different being with a much different personality, but to have no bedtime drama and more time after kid(s) are in bed (Iver still requires more reading/snuggling/check-ins but there is fortunately rarely screaming) is amazing. I can see now how some parents whose kids are actually sleeping well (and, therefore, who are feeling somewhat rested and not so stressed) feel sane, enjoy parenting more, and that they could have more kids in the future. We don't plan to-- I definitely don't want to roll those dice, and I consider this a win.
Happy Sleeper = Happy Sleeping and Parenting for us.
Having two kids is not easier than having one. While you do the best you can with triaging, you always or often feel as though you are neglecting someone's needs when dealing with the other and one kid is always getting the short end of the stick. Iver often whines to me, "Why are you always feeding Niall? Pay attention to me!" When I'm reading or playing with Iver (which I try intentionally to find time to do as it's been difficult to have one-on-one time due to the infant being nutritionally dependent on me [or me via the hated breast pump]), Niall has (on far more than one occasion) bonked his head or gotten into the dog's water bowl. I have had a really hard time as an introvert and working mom of two (whose more demanding child no longer naps) finding time and space to recharge. Boy, do I look forward to their bedtimes, even though when I can actually breathe, I can never decide whether I can try to *relax* or whether I should make the most of the peace to tackle items on my never-ending to-do list.
That being said, it's been a huge blessing to have an easier child (in temperament, at least so far) the second time around (i.e. God knowing and not giving me more than I can handle). I'm so glad it happened in this order, this way; otherwise, I'd be in seriously big trouble!
My sister-in-law, Katherine, who totally gets it, recently sent me this Instagram post:
Iver (almost four) is a truly incredible little human being. He is so intelligent. He amazes me with his photographic memory of places, things, people, details, and conversations. You can never tell him something and hope he forgets it. He can do addition and subtraction in his head, tie his shoes, understand quite a bit of Vietnamese, and has an incredible vocabulary. He spells, writes, and has advanced deductive reasoning. He is loving, sweet, and hilarious. He is passionate and energetic.
But He. Is. Hard.
He is spirited. He has always been extremely intense. As an infant, he had an extremely piercing cry, and had a very hard time self-soothing. He fought every nap and sleep. He fought solid food. He was hard to wean. I frequently had to wrestle him into the car seat and endure lots of screaming most car rides. Tooth-brushing is still hard (but getting a lot better). He is very sensitive to textures and temperatures and doesn't like changes in routines. He is stubborn, rarely backs down, and still throws major long-lasting tantrums over seemingly inconsequential things because he wants them his way. We as his parents have to and often set firm limits, but we also have to pick our battles because it's extremely exhausting to have conflicts hundreds of times per hour. I think (hope/pray) Iver will be an incredible leader as an adult with strong convictions and morals (if we all survive his childhood).
With him, we didn't really attempt formal sleep training early, as I just thought and prayed that things would eventually get better (They didn't. We worked hard to get him to sleep through the night for the first time around 18 months), and in his more than 1000 days on this earth, the number of times he's gone to bed or nap without some kind of crying/stalling or a fight is (or at least seems) in the 10% range (maybe 30% recently; it was especially bad after the birth of his sibling but certainly has gotten better). I think I've gotten more than 10 nighttime hours of sleep out of him about three times total in almost four years. He was a 4:40 a.m. "up for the day" waker for a year. He still wakes sometimes at night-- with nightmares or feeling something "licking him" (this was this week) and looking for us.
And child #2? I don't know if second children just figure out early that they need to be able to play on their own or self-soothe because mom and/or dad's attention is divided from the start (or if we're just more relaxed as second-time parents), or if our little Niall just has a different temperament by luck. In any case, even as a newborn, he would sometimes get thrown in the bassinet when I was dealing with a three-year-old fit, and somehow just find a way to get himself to sleep. We certainly have had some infant sleep challenges in recent months-- due to fevers/illnesses, teething, the time-change, and travel, but he naturally slept longer night stretches from an earlier age and has never fought me with the ferocity with which his older brother did (does). His cry is also much more mellow and "fussy," not "scream-y." Kelvin recently finished reading "The Happy Sleeper" book (my favorite of all the many sleep books I've read in the last few years and the one I recommend to new parents), and since we're now on the same page, we have gotten to experience the joyful bedtime routine that goes like:
1. We bathe him (if needed) and put on jammies
2. I nurse him in the living room.
3. Around 7 p.m., we hug and kiss him, say goodnight, put him in the crib in the dark with white noise while he's awake, and walk out of the room.
4. He talks and babbles to himself.
5. Within 5-10 minutes, he has rolled over and is out cold.
Training Niall (9.5 months) didn't even take time. Upon returning from Orange County, we started this this week, and he got it on night #1. Most nights, he sleeps up to 7-9 hours before one nursing session (or, if he wakes sooner, he puts himself back to sleep without intervention) and is back to sleep easily in the crib until about 6:30 a.m., which is more than eleven hours.
Niall's crib is still in our room (and he is quite noisy, meaning that we sometimes get woken up even when he doesn't need us, despite white noise and earplugs) and, of course, we expect some minor setbacks with sleep regressions and future travel (and naps aren't quite so easy); however, for now I am still having a hard time comprehending our blessing(s). I can't imagine how good (like a million bucks?) I'll feel when both children are consistently sleeping through the night. It seems like a dream, too good to be true (we may attempt night weaning in the near future but not sure when).
I am not sure if it actually was possible to have have *trained* Iver in the same way, as he certainly is a different being with a much different personality, but to have no bedtime drama and more time after kid(s) are in bed (Iver still requires more reading/snuggling/check-ins but there is fortunately rarely screaming) is amazing. I can see now how some parents whose kids are actually sleeping well (and, therefore, who are feeling somewhat rested and not so stressed) feel sane, enjoy parenting more, and that they could have more kids in the future. We don't plan to-- I definitely don't want to roll those dice, and I consider this a win.
Happy Sleeper = Happy Sleeping and Parenting for us.
2 comments:
Good points. I definitely think me being able to handle 4 had to do with the fact that other than a few newborn months, I have nearly always gotten 7-9 hours of sleep with a 2 hour nap :) :) :) So glad you are getting more of this the second time around.
My firstborn was the same way. She didn't sleep through the night until this year when she turned 12. Yes, 12! We finally bought her a weighted blanket this year and that is what has gotten her to sleep through the night. I call it the Miracle Blanket!
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