I recently came across a good article by Toni Hammer, entitled "The Struggle of the Introverted Mother." She describes well the exhaustion she feels as a mom to her young kids due to her being introverted, and has described (actually she "nailed it") one of the reasons why I feel I have been struggling the last couple of weeks.
It's been really hard for me to be a stay-at-home mom. While of course I love my son and enjoy spending time with him, especially as he smiles and gets more interactive, it is hard. He won't nap independently in a supine position (i.e. if he's down for more than 10 min in the Pack 'n Play, I don't even trust the video monitor... I have to check to see if he's alive) and I feel that the vast majority of the waking hours that aren't nursing or changing him (both of which I actually enjoy!) are spent soothing him to sleep (or back to sleep) for naps when he's obviously drowsy and becomes inconsolable. "My time" --when I read, catch up on e-mails, etc, is actually the time he's nursing, and otherwise, I try to eat/get dressed/pee/shower/pump/exercise/get a load of laundry in at lightning-fast speeds before he cries and needs me again. When Iver does nap (in the Bjorn or carseat), I don't ever sleep as I feel like I have some me-time that I don't want to waste on sleeping.
I know that I'm not the only mom who feels and has ever felt this way. No one ever said motherhood/parenthood was easy, even for extroverts. I know that you give up a lot of your self, including your interests and your time, and automatically are forced to become less selfish when you become a parent. I just didn't know how much it would profoundly affect me. I have, at times, felt so frustrated I have screamed, cried, and felt so incredibly angry that I scared myself. For the past couple of weeks, I have struggled with seeing how I'm making any difference at all, while feeling that I'm giving everything I have. While I'm used to seeing "what I do all day" by doing my refills and having a clean EMR inbox, and counting how many patients I saw or the number of charts I closed, I can't quantitatively measure the impact that I am having on my son by being at home and being a full-time mom, although I know that I feel that being needed this much is the hardest job I've ever done. While the thoughts that "Maybe I took too much time off work for maternity leave" and "I need a break from being a mom" and "I suck at this. Maybe I'm not cut out for this mom-thing" have crossed my mind (and I later came across this Huffington Post article which really spoke to me), I know that what I'm doing is most important job in the world right now and what is best for my son and our family. I truly am happy to have been blessed with the opportunity to be a parent. However, I think it has been especially hard for me because I am an introvert.
For me, being a mom has not been hard because of the sleepless nights, the demands on my body from breastfeeding and pumping (ugh) or fatigue, or the amount of laundry. It has been hard for me because of the lack of control or schedule/predictability, and that there is no "alone" time to recharge. Being a medical practitioner is hard for me, too, as interacting with patients all day leaves me generally depleted at the end of every workday with little energy for socializing or doing much of anything. I know that in three weeks when I will go back to being a doctor and continue being a mom, things will only be more challenging, although I do feel that I will be a better mom when I'm a working mom (and a better doctor for being a mom, too). And things will get even more interesting as Iver grows into a toddler who, in different ways, will demand even more attention from me, as Hammer's article describes well. I hope I am up to it.
I just read (in short bursts, during nursing sessions including in the middle of the night!) Susan Cain's book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, and I highly recommend it, especially for those of us who have felt bad/guilty or ever wished we weren't so... well, introverted. She discusses the power and special skills that introverts (including the notable figures of Rosa Parks, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Albert Einstein) have contributed to the world. She also discusses techniques of how to make this special set of skills/attributes work well in both the workplace and in the family setting, especially if you are (like I am) married to an extrovert or have kids who are of the quiet type or, on the contrary, who would like social interaction and your attention 100% of the time. The author herself is an introvert and also a happy and seemingly successful professional mom (so it apparently can be done, and done well!).
Kelvin has definitely picked up on the fact that I've been struggling recently and has really stepped it up with Daddy duty in the absence of my parents, who really helped with some key baby-holding when Iver was 4-6 weeks old. Last evening, K gave me some solid time to myself when our changed-and-fed, drowsy-but-refusing-to-nap and fussy son would not go down. It was the best hour I've had in weeks. I was able to go up to our bedroom and have some quiet time to read (fittingly, the book Quiet I mentioned above which I finished this morning) for a good 30-40 minutes before I fell asleep, exhausted. And then I woke up and it was time to be a mom again and put our son to bed for the night. But bless my husband. And bless you in advance, other introvert (and all) moms out there, for any suggestions you have on getting me through these next few years :). I know it can be done. But it will be hard.
It's been really hard for me to be a stay-at-home mom. While of course I love my son and enjoy spending time with him, especially as he smiles and gets more interactive, it is hard. He won't nap independently in a supine position (i.e. if he's down for more than 10 min in the Pack 'n Play, I don't even trust the video monitor... I have to check to see if he's alive) and I feel that the vast majority of the waking hours that aren't nursing or changing him (both of which I actually enjoy!) are spent soothing him to sleep (or back to sleep) for naps when he's obviously drowsy and becomes inconsolable. "My time" --when I read, catch up on e-mails, etc, is actually the time he's nursing, and otherwise, I try to eat/get dressed/pee/shower/pump/exercise/get a load of laundry in at lightning-fast speeds before he cries and needs me again. When Iver does nap (in the Bjorn or carseat), I don't ever sleep as I feel like I have some me-time that I don't want to waste on sleeping.
I know that I'm not the only mom who feels and has ever felt this way. No one ever said motherhood/parenthood was easy, even for extroverts. I know that you give up a lot of your self, including your interests and your time, and automatically are forced to become less selfish when you become a parent. I just didn't know how much it would profoundly affect me. I have, at times, felt so frustrated I have screamed, cried, and felt so incredibly angry that I scared myself. For the past couple of weeks, I have struggled with seeing how I'm making any difference at all, while feeling that I'm giving everything I have. While I'm used to seeing "what I do all day" by doing my refills and having a clean EMR inbox, and counting how many patients I saw or the number of charts I closed, I can't quantitatively measure the impact that I am having on my son by being at home and being a full-time mom, although I know that I feel that being needed this much is the hardest job I've ever done. While the thoughts that "Maybe I took too much time off work for maternity leave" and "I need a break from being a mom" and "I suck at this. Maybe I'm not cut out for this mom-thing" have crossed my mind (and I later came across this Huffington Post article which really spoke to me), I know that what I'm doing is most important job in the world right now and what is best for my son and our family. I truly am happy to have been blessed with the opportunity to be a parent. However, I think it has been especially hard for me because I am an introvert.
For me, being a mom has not been hard because of the sleepless nights, the demands on my body from breastfeeding and pumping (ugh) or fatigue, or the amount of laundry. It has been hard for me because of the lack of control or schedule/predictability, and that there is no "alone" time to recharge. Being a medical practitioner is hard for me, too, as interacting with patients all day leaves me generally depleted at the end of every workday with little energy for socializing or doing much of anything. I know that in three weeks when I will go back to being a doctor and continue being a mom, things will only be more challenging, although I do feel that I will be a better mom when I'm a working mom (and a better doctor for being a mom, too). And things will get even more interesting as Iver grows into a toddler who, in different ways, will demand even more attention from me, as Hammer's article describes well. I hope I am up to it.
I just read (in short bursts, during nursing sessions including in the middle of the night!) Susan Cain's book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, and I highly recommend it, especially for those of us who have felt bad/guilty or ever wished we weren't so... well, introverted. She discusses the power and special skills that introverts (including the notable figures of Rosa Parks, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Albert Einstein) have contributed to the world. She also discusses techniques of how to make this special set of skills/attributes work well in both the workplace and in the family setting, especially if you are (like I am) married to an extrovert or have kids who are of the quiet type or, on the contrary, who would like social interaction and your attention 100% of the time. The author herself is an introvert and also a happy and seemingly successful professional mom (so it apparently can be done, and done well!).
Kelvin has definitely picked up on the fact that I've been struggling recently and has really stepped it up with Daddy duty in the absence of my parents, who really helped with some key baby-holding when Iver was 4-6 weeks old. Last evening, K gave me some solid time to myself when our changed-and-fed, drowsy-but-refusing-to-nap and fussy son would not go down. It was the best hour I've had in weeks. I was able to go up to our bedroom and have some quiet time to read (fittingly, the book Quiet I mentioned above which I finished this morning) for a good 30-40 minutes before I fell asleep, exhausted. And then I woke up and it was time to be a mom again and put our son to bed for the night. But bless my husband. And bless you in advance, other introvert (and all) moms out there, for any suggestions you have on getting me through these next few years :). I know it can be done. But it will be hard.
Not
too long ago, I woke up one day and decided I was going to be attentive
to, and present with, my kids the whole day. I was interested in every
toy they brought over to show me. I heeded every cry of concern they had
over some cartoon character’s possible demise. I listened to them,
played their games, and did everything I could to be the best mom ever.
That night I was absolutely exhausted.
It could be because my kids are closing in on two years old and three years old, respectively, and two toddlers would wear anyone out. And that’s part of it, but not all of it.
I know some may scoff at the idea of my being so proud for interacting with my kids all day. I’m their mom. Shouldn’t I do that every day? What’s the big deal? Do I want a medal?
I do, but not for that reason.
The reason this day was so special and so exhausting is because I’m an introvert.
- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-struggle-of-the-introverted-mother/#sthash.zgnt1EfS.dpuf
That night I was absolutely exhausted.
It could be because my kids are closing in on two years old and three years old, respectively, and two toddlers would wear anyone out. And that’s part of it, but not all of it.
I know some may scoff at the idea of my being so proud for interacting with my kids all day. I’m their mom. Shouldn’t I do that every day? What’s the big deal? Do I want a medal?
I do, but not for that reason.
The reason this day was so special and so exhausting is because I’m an introvert.
- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-struggle-of-the-introverted-mother/#sthash.zgnt1EfS.dpuf
Not
too long ago, I woke up one day and decided I was going to be attentive
to, and present with, my kids the whole day. I was interested in every
toy they brought over to show me. I heeded every cry of concern they had
over some cartoon character’s possible demise. I listened to them,
played their games, and did everything I could to be the best mom ever.
That night I was absolutely exhausted.
It could be because my kids are closing in on two years old and three years old, respectively, and two toddlers would wear anyone out. And that’s part of it, but not all of it.
I know some may scoff at the idea of my being so proud for interacting with my kids all day. I’m their mom. Shouldn’t I do that every day? What’s the big deal? Do I want a medal?
I do, but not for that reason.
The reason this day was so special and so exhausting is because I’m an introvert.
- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-struggle-of-the-introverted-mother/#sthash.zgnt1EfS.dpuf
That night I was absolutely exhausted.
It could be because my kids are closing in on two years old and three years old, respectively, and two toddlers would wear anyone out. And that’s part of it, but not all of it.
I know some may scoff at the idea of my being so proud for interacting with my kids all day. I’m their mom. Shouldn’t I do that every day? What’s the big deal? Do I want a medal?
I do, but not for that reason.
The reason this day was so special and so exhausting is because I’m an introvert.
- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-struggle-of-the-introverted-mother/#sthash.zgnt1EfS.dpuf
Not
too long ago, I woke up one day and decided I was going to be attentive
to, and present with, my kids the whole day. I was interested in every
toy they brought over to show me. I heeded every cry of concern they had
over some cartoon character’s possible demise. I listened to them,
played their games, and did everything I could to be the best mom ever.
That night I was absolutely exhausted.
It could be because my kids are closing in on two years old and three years old, respectively, and two toddlers would wear anyone out. And that’s part of it, but not all of it.
I know some may scoff at the idea of my being so proud for interacting with my kids all day. I’m their mom. Shouldn’t I do that every day? What’s the big deal? Do I want a medal?
I do, but not for that reason.
The reason this day was so special and so exhausting is because I’m an introvert.
There is a misconception about introverts which believes we are anti-social. That is totally not the case. We can be very social. I don’t hide in the corner at parties nor do I spend every waking moment wishing I could be by myself. I need people like anyone else.At the crux of being an introvert is the desire — the need — to be alone in order to rejuvenate. Some people can go to a party or a busy mall or an outing with a couple friends and feel completely refreshed and revitalized. For us introverts it is the opposite. Our downtime is sacred. We use the quiet, the stillness, the absence of interaction as a way to renew our bodies and minds. We need that time alone to become ourselves again.
So that day where I chose to be with my kids and attend to their every want and whim, where I was attentive and intuitive, that day took every ounce of energy right out of me. I had zero downtime from the moment I woke up until they went to bed, and by the time they were snoozing I was too tired to do anything to recharge my own batteries.
It’s a daily struggle for me. I want to be a good mom who is watching their every move and hearing every word because, as we’ve all been told, these moments pass all too quickly. I want to watch every musical act my daughter performs and applaud every puzzle piece my son puts in the right place. I want to laugh at every joke and play every game.
But I also want to take care of me. Taking care of me, though, requires a break which is not always possible. Some days my kids don’t nap. Some days my husband has work and school and isn’t available to give me a reprieve. Some days I have to slog through emotional exhaustion just to make it to bedtime; mommy guilt weighing heavily on me for eying the clock while desiring just a few moments of solitude after my kids go to bed.Being a mom is the best job in the world. It is rewarding and magical at times. For us introverts, though, it is also a daily battle to find the balance between informing our kids we are always available while sometimes our sanity wishes we weren’t.
If you’re a fellow introvert, you know what I’m talking about. Know that it’s okay to desire alone time. Know that it’s okay to be completely drained after a long day of keeping your kids alive and happy and healthy. Know that you are not alone… unless you want to be.
- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-struggle-of-the-introverted-mother/#sthash.zgnt1EfS.dpuf
That night I was absolutely exhausted.
It could be because my kids are closing in on two years old and three years old, respectively, and two toddlers would wear anyone out. And that’s part of it, but not all of it.
I know some may scoff at the idea of my being so proud for interacting with my kids all day. I’m their mom. Shouldn’t I do that every day? What’s the big deal? Do I want a medal?
I do, but not for that reason.
The reason this day was so special and so exhausting is because I’m an introvert.
There is a misconception about introverts which believes we are anti-social. That is totally not the case. We can be very social. I don’t hide in the corner at parties nor do I spend every waking moment wishing I could be by myself. I need people like anyone else.At the crux of being an introvert is the desire — the need — to be alone in order to rejuvenate. Some people can go to a party or a busy mall or an outing with a couple friends and feel completely refreshed and revitalized. For us introverts it is the opposite. Our downtime is sacred. We use the quiet, the stillness, the absence of interaction as a way to renew our bodies and minds. We need that time alone to become ourselves again.
So that day where I chose to be with my kids and attend to their every want and whim, where I was attentive and intuitive, that day took every ounce of energy right out of me. I had zero downtime from the moment I woke up until they went to bed, and by the time they were snoozing I was too tired to do anything to recharge my own batteries.
It’s a daily struggle for me. I want to be a good mom who is watching their every move and hearing every word because, as we’ve all been told, these moments pass all too quickly. I want to watch every musical act my daughter performs and applaud every puzzle piece my son puts in the right place. I want to laugh at every joke and play every game.
But I also want to take care of me. Taking care of me, though, requires a break which is not always possible. Some days my kids don’t nap. Some days my husband has work and school and isn’t available to give me a reprieve. Some days I have to slog through emotional exhaustion just to make it to bedtime; mommy guilt weighing heavily on me for eying the clock while desiring just a few moments of solitude after my kids go to bed.Being a mom is the best job in the world. It is rewarding and magical at times. For us introverts, though, it is also a daily battle to find the balance between informing our kids we are always available while sometimes our sanity wishes we weren’t.
If you’re a fellow introvert, you know what I’m talking about. Know that it’s okay to desire alone time. Know that it’s okay to be completely drained after a long day of keeping your kids alive and happy and healthy. Know that you are not alone… unless you want to be.
- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-struggle-of-the-introverted-mother/#sthash.zgnt1EfS.dpuf
Not
too long ago, I woke up one day and decided I was going to be attentive
to, and present with, my kids the whole day. I was interested in every
toy they brought over to show me. I heeded every cry of concern they had
over some cartoon character’s possible demise. I listened to them,
played their games, and did everything I could to be the best mom ever.
That night I was absolutely exhausted.
It could be because my kids are closing in on two years old and three years old, respectively, and two toddlers would wear anyone out. And that’s part of it, but not all of it.
I know some may scoff at the idea of my being so proud for interacting with my kids all day. I’m their mom. Shouldn’t I do that every day? What’s the big deal? Do I want a medal?
I do, but not for that reason.
The reason this day was so special and so exhausting is because I’m an introvert.
There is a misconception about introverts which believes we are anti-social. That is totally not the case. We can be very social. I don’t hide in the corner at parties nor do I spend every waking moment wishing I could be by myself. I need people like anyone else.At the crux of being an introvert is the desire — the need — to be alone in order to rejuvenate. Some people can go to a party or a busy mall or an outing with a couple friends and feel completely refreshed and revitalized. For us introverts it is the opposite. Our downtime is sacred. We use the quiet, the stillness, the absence of interaction as a way to renew our bodies and minds. We need that time alone to become ourselves again.
So that day where I chose to be with my kids and attend to their every want and whim, where I was attentive and intuitive, that day took every ounce of energy right out of me. I had zero downtime from the moment I woke up until they went to bed, and by the time they were snoozing I was too tired to do anything to recharge my own batteries.
It’s a daily struggle for me. I want to be a good mom who is watching their every move and hearing every word because, as we’ve all been told, these moments pass all too quickly. I want to watch every musical act my daughter performs and applaud every puzzle piece my son puts in the right place. I want to laugh at every joke and play every game.
But I also want to take care of me. Taking care of me, though, requires a break which is not always possible. Some days my kids don’t nap. Some days my husband has work and school and isn’t available to give me a reprieve. Some days I have to slog through emotional exhaustion just to make it to bedtime; mommy guilt weighing heavily on me for eying the clock while desiring just a few moments of solitude after my kids go to bed.Being a mom is the best job in the world. It is rewarding and magical at times. For us introverts, though, it is also a daily battle to find the balance between informing our kids we are always available while sometimes our sanity wishes we weren’t.
If you’re a fellow introvert, you know what I’m talking about. Know that it’s okay to desire alone time. Know that it’s okay to be completely drained after a long day of keeping your kids alive and happy and healthy. Know that you are not alone… unless you want to be.
- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-struggle-of-the-introverted-mother/#sthash.zgnt1EfS.dpuf
That night I was absolutely exhausted.
It could be because my kids are closing in on two years old and three years old, respectively, and two toddlers would wear anyone out. And that’s part of it, but not all of it.
I know some may scoff at the idea of my being so proud for interacting with my kids all day. I’m their mom. Shouldn’t I do that every day? What’s the big deal? Do I want a medal?
I do, but not for that reason.
The reason this day was so special and so exhausting is because I’m an introvert.
There is a misconception about introverts which believes we are anti-social. That is totally not the case. We can be very social. I don’t hide in the corner at parties nor do I spend every waking moment wishing I could be by myself. I need people like anyone else.At the crux of being an introvert is the desire — the need — to be alone in order to rejuvenate. Some people can go to a party or a busy mall or an outing with a couple friends and feel completely refreshed and revitalized. For us introverts it is the opposite. Our downtime is sacred. We use the quiet, the stillness, the absence of interaction as a way to renew our bodies and minds. We need that time alone to become ourselves again.
So that day where I chose to be with my kids and attend to their every want and whim, where I was attentive and intuitive, that day took every ounce of energy right out of me. I had zero downtime from the moment I woke up until they went to bed, and by the time they were snoozing I was too tired to do anything to recharge my own batteries.
It’s a daily struggle for me. I want to be a good mom who is watching their every move and hearing every word because, as we’ve all been told, these moments pass all too quickly. I want to watch every musical act my daughter performs and applaud every puzzle piece my son puts in the right place. I want to laugh at every joke and play every game.
But I also want to take care of me. Taking care of me, though, requires a break which is not always possible. Some days my kids don’t nap. Some days my husband has work and school and isn’t available to give me a reprieve. Some days I have to slog through emotional exhaustion just to make it to bedtime; mommy guilt weighing heavily on me for eying the clock while desiring just a few moments of solitude after my kids go to bed.Being a mom is the best job in the world. It is rewarding and magical at times. For us introverts, though, it is also a daily battle to find the balance between informing our kids we are always available while sometimes our sanity wishes we weren’t.
If you’re a fellow introvert, you know what I’m talking about. Know that it’s okay to desire alone time. Know that it’s okay to be completely drained after a long day of keeping your kids alive and happy and healthy. Know that you are not alone… unless you want to be.
- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-struggle-of-the-introverted-mother/#sthash.zgnt1EfS.dpuf
2 comments:
I definitely know the feeling and have been there. The first 100 days of parenthood is downright hard. My husband and I were cranky and mean to each other and didn't think we would get out of the slump, but we did. Like you said, take some time to refuel yourself and spend the time to do what you need to do to re-energize. And make sure you continue doing that after your son is a bit older too. One thing that kills me is seeing parents who don't maintain their individualism. You can be a parent AND something else. Don't give up your hobbies. Make sure you and K tag team so you can have an hour or two to do what you want to do alone. Otherwise, it will be a long and difficult journey.
It will get better! One thing I did that helped was to set up a weekly play date with two other moms. We mostly talked about the kids and our struggles and successes. Over time, weekly play date grew to a few more people, and despite being 70% introverted myself, I really valued this time. I actually miss it now almost as much as I miss my "me time".
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